Tag: underpants

Varnished Cotton Briefs: Mom’s E.R. Nightmare

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Varnished Cotton Briefs Mom's E.R. Nightmare
When I first saw these Varnished Cotton Briefs, I thought someone had been going through my drawers. Hey, don’t judge. I had an accident at the chocolate factory. The factory was my butt. All of the employees are now laid off. I couldn’t afford all of them working overtime and getting triple pay on taco night. By them I mean the magic gremlins that live in my colon.

This decorative pair of underwear is the crustiest, the most vile, the dirtiest pair of nad covers I have ever seen. Them is some crusty crack coveralls. Seriously, it has real crust. And not the good stuffed crust kind. What is that stuff? This nasty specimen is based on that old gem that mom’s always throw at you before you leave the house. “You better put on clean underwear in case you get into an accident.” Good advice, cuz if you show up at the E.R. wearing these, the CDC is getting involved and whole towns will get shut down. I don’t blame them at all.

This sellers mom never bothered telling them to put on clean underwear. Apparently their mom just tells them to varnish it and put it on Etsy.

Let’s Make This Brief Underwear Notes

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Let’s Make This Brief Underwear Notes
Leave notes on a pair of underwear. Let’s make this brief Underwear Notes. People pay attention to a note on a pair of tightie whities. Other notes? They just crumple up and throw them away. Although I think they should have some yellow stains and look a little crusty. Maybe have some fried chicken grease. You know, just for realism. Maybe that’s just me. Perfect for notes like: PICK UP SOME UNDERWEAR! or CRAPPED MYSELF: JUST FYI or WE NEED MILK, DON”T BE A WIENER! then draw a picture of a wiener escaping the undies cuz you’re totally grown up, but it has to be done.

People always ask me, boxers or briefs? And I say I prefer my boxers in briefs, otherwise both fighters are gonna have two dangling arms hitting each other below the belt. I don’t really wanna see that. It’s already too much man on man action for me.

Squirrel In Underpants Ornament

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Squirrel In Underpants Ornament
I see London, I see France, I see a Squirrel In Underpants. And some things you can’t un-see. You would be nuts not to have this Squirrel In Underpants Ornament on your Christmas tree. Are you looking for nuts, Squirrel? Check that elastic waistband and I bet you find two. This guy looks pretty happy to just be chillin’ in his briefs. Chillin’ on your tree. Occasionally scratchin’ himself in his underwear. Actin’ all Squirrelly.

This ornament is for my kind of Christmas. I would be sitting in my chair in my underwear, staring at him. He would be in his underwear staring at me from the tree. Then the guy in his underwear outside would be staring at us both- What the hell? Who invited that guy?

Anywho, animals in underwear are better than animals bare. That’s what I always say. Which is why I like to venture into the forest and underwear all the critters at night.

Squirrel In Underpants Air Freshener

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Squirrel In Underpants Air Freshener
Oh nuts. I’ll keep this brief. Ha. Get it? If we have Squirrel In Underpants Air Fresheners, do you think squirrels have human in underpants air fresheners? At least this air freshener will smell better than your average squirrel. There’s that.

The squirrels around my area are more the boxer type. They don’t like briefs. Hey, boxers or briefs, what does it matter as long as you have a place to store your nuts? Am I right guys?

Underpants Wallet

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Underpants Wallet
I think I’m gonna get this Underpants Wallet so that the next time I have to make a Doritos run at 3 AM, I have something that matches my outfit. Which is cheeto-stained underwear and an unbuttoned flannel shirt. Oh and flip-flops. Hey, “No shirt, no shoes no service.” Even I have to follow the rules, despite being a blogging rockstar.

I’ll also have two Slim-Jims my good man. The clerk will be pleased I have a less sweaty place to hold my cash. Cuz that flannel shirt has no pockets.