Tag: novelty

Holy Mackerel: Fish Zipper Pouch / Coin Purse

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Holy Mackerel Fish Zipper Pouch Coin Purse
Holy Mackerel. This Fish Zipper Pouch is exactly what I need when I go fish shopping.

“That will be $45 sir.” (I buy a lot of fish.) “I see a fish sticking out of your pocket sir! Did you steal that?”

“$45.That’s an outrage!” *Pulls my fish pouch out and slaps her with it.* Whoops! That didn’t make the squishy sound I expected on your face. Of course, I didn’t steal this one. It’s a pouch. I stole this one!”

*Whips a fish out of my other pocket and slaps her with it. Runs for the exit.*
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Hellraiser Welcome Mat

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Hellraiser Welcome Mat
This Hellraiser Welcome Mat has a picture of pinhead. Also the words, “You knocked. We came”. which sounds kinda dirty. I’ve never been that excited about a visitor, but hey, whatever floats your banana boat. Your friends will look at this welcome mat and say, “That’s the home of a real Hellraiser right there”. Yeah, but he still wants you to wipe your damn feet! I work hard to keep these floors clean.

Sea Monsters From the Early Modern Period Vintage Poster

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Sea Monsters From the Early Modern Period Vintage Poster
Here’s another reason to stay out da sea ya fools! Sea monsters are everywhere. Kinda like that time I ripped open a bag of Sea Monkeys in the public pool. This Sea Monsters From the Early Modern Period Vintage Poster shows you what to look out for on the high seas. They look like a bunch of mutated flabby old men. “Get off my kelp!”

I hope the Aquaman movie is better than this.

Poisoned Apple Witch Spell

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Poisoned Apple Witch Spell
Cool. I always wanted to know how to make a poisoned apple. Now I can, thanks to this handy Poisoned Apple Witch Spell. Nah, I’m not gonna poison anybody. That would be bad. It’s just a good trick to know. Let’s say someone is going to mug me in an alley. I’ll offer the dude an apple. If he still mugs me, he deserves what he gets. He’ll take my wallet and a bite of apple before he runs off. Then I’ll just follow in the direction of where he ran, eventually stumble on his corpse and retrieve my wallet.

You took a bite of the apple son. I took a bite out of crime. Deal with it loser.

Or I could, you know, just display this thing in my house during Halloween. Yeah, that’s morally the better choice. Probably.

Skeleton Brooch With Scarf

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Skeleton Brooch With Scarf
Is it cold in here or is my Skeleton Brooch With Scarf just crazy? You should have seen him last week, when he was wearing a moo-moo with an Indiana Jones fedora. Yeah, he’s just crazy! Stop dressing up ya old coffin dodger! Next you’ll be singing show tunes. *He starts singing show tunes. I cover my ears.* Fine! Fine! Wear whatever you want!
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