Tag: scary

Bloody Pearl Necklace Choker

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Bloody Pearl Necklace Choker

For the refined lady with a touch of darkness. I present to you the Bloody Pearl Necklace Choker. You are refined and intelligent, regal. But you long for the vampire’s breath gently caressing your neck, suddenly growing hot as he bares his teeth and goes in for the bite. At first, the pain is unbearable, but quickly becomes ecstatic. Your essence rushes out, pumped by his lustful need- Oh shizz, I was saying that out loud as I typed and now everyone at the library is looking at me. Hey, it’s where I write sometimes. That librarian must have dry lips. She keeps licking them as she watches me. Get some ChapStick freak!

Anyway, if you crave the excitement of vampiric exsanguination, but lack either a nearby vampire or good looks, this Bloody Pearl Necklace Choker is the next best thing. Look at that sophisticated and stylish splatter. Sexy! Now that’s a necklace!

The Shining Pizza Cutter – Here’s Johnny!

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The Shining Pizza Cutter - Here's Johnny!

It would have been a whole different movie if Jack Torrance had this The Shining Pizza Cutter. For one thing he never would have busted the door down with this thing, but if he did manage to get in, he would have sliced up your pizza to perfection. See, he’s not such a bad guy. Here’s Johnny. And here’s your once beautiful pizza pie, all sliced and diced and in a million pieces.

The Shining Pizza Cutter. It even has the famous quote on the handle. On the other side is the movie logo. All work and no pizza makes Jack a dull boy. Hey, when you don’t have pizza, you get hungry. Hungry leads to hangry and hangry leads to you going a little off the rails. It happens. I wouldn’t try to slice this Nightmare on Elm Street Animated Soul Pizza though.

Gothic Raven Purse – For The Birds

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Gothic Raven Purse - For The Birds

Wow. Now that’s a nice looking bag. That’s not just something they say in the bathhouse, it’s what they’ll say about this purse when you wear it. This Gothic Raven Purse is stunning. You might even say ravenous. I know I’m raven about it. You won’t catch me crowing about it though. That would be mixing my bird metaphors. Did you know that a group of ravens is known as an “unkindness”. Man, these birds have a bad reputation. But they look awesome on this Gothic Raven Purse accessory. Get your claws on one today!

I’ll have to write that fun fact down in my Raven Journal. It’s where I keep all of my raven related thoughts and dreams from prying eyes and nosy beaks. Did you know that they remember human faces? Come to think of it, that would explain why my car gets pooped on so damn often. Now that’s an unkindness. It’s downright rude. You point and laugh one time when a baby bird can’t get the worm and it makes you a lifelong poop target.

Coffin Jewelry Box – RIP Family Jewels

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Coffin Jewelry Box - RIP Family Jewels

A Coffin Jewelry Box? My ex wife’s jewelry habit nearly put me in a coffin. Well, if you want to protect and store the family jewels in gothic style, this is where you put it to rest. I wish I could put those credit card statements to rest. That much money for a spider jewelry box? Oh what a tangled web you weave. The jokes on her though. I got the house and all of the debt. Haha. Sucker. Wait… Shit. She ruined me. To be fair I ruined her too. That’s what loves all about.

Anyway, this jewelry final resting place is awesome. Gift one to the Goth girl in your life. Or afterlife. usually the only time you have rings in a coffin is when you get buried with your phone. Ring ring, bling bling biatches!

Huge Spider Earring – Thank God For Wax

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Huge Spider Earring - Thank God For Wax

Just when I was getting over my fear of giant spiders crawling into my ear. This Huge Spider Earring has me whimpering at night once more as I fill my ear holes with cotton and put on headphones. There I go sleeping through the alarm again. But it beats some 8-legged alien mofo laying eggs in my ear canal. If I see you wearing this, don’t be surprised if I slap it clear off your face. Ain’t no room in my life for any spider this damn big.

First it crawls in your ear. Then you become the spider and won’t even need these spider goggles.