Are you enjoying your tea? Excellent. Now it is time to consult the oracle that I like to call the Ouija Board Tea-Towel. Place it flat on the table please. Now we shall use a cups as a planchette.
Oh Ouija towel, doorway to spirits, what say you to this realm? *cup begins to move just as the guest spills tea all over the table.* Damn it! *Cleans it up with the Ouija towel.* Now we’ll never know what it was gonna say.
This is a Disney Horror Characters Painting. It turns Disney Characters into horror icons. It’s not about the horror of the Disney parks? $10 for a grilled cheese sandwich at f**king Epcot? I can make that for like 10 cents. That’s the real horror of Disney. Any mouse tries to charge me $10 for a grilled cheese sandwich, I’m punching him in his nose. Which is probably why I was asked to leave by the two hulking Mickey-police!
These Spooky Trees Halloween Wine Glasses are not only spooky, but scary too. An empty wine glass is a horrifying thing. Quick, fill me up. Ahhhh, that’s better. Again. Chop chop. We wouldn’t want my liver getting dry, now would we? Make like a tree and leave. Then come back with my drink. Don’t you bark at me. Hmmm. I just ran out of tree jokes. I’m gonna get to the root of my drinking problem, I swear. But I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that won’t be happening tonight. Give me another kind of drink. Gonna branch out. *Passes out*
Hey doll! Waz up? Don’t call me doll! For your information, I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to the doll head on your chest. Nah. These Weird Doll Head Necklaces won’t make you look creepy at all. Too bad none have glowing red eyes and a head that turns 360 degrees, while saying, “momma” all creepy like. Maybe wear all of them and be the crazy doll head lady with a whole family around her neck. That would be some awesome baby bling! No. No it would not. That would be creepy. This has been a fashion PSA.
That’s a cool pair of Purple Slug Earrings. You know what you call a purple slug right? A purple nurple! *Everyone cover your nips as I go on a rampage* Now that I have that out of my very juvenile system… I actually got out the the juvenile system a few years back cuz they couldn’t try me as an adult. I’m a free man now. I was known as the Purple Nurple Burglar. I would break in at night and do the twist, if you know what I mean. Then run. The statute of limitations ran out and the color has returned to all of the boobies that I wronged.