Meet the braces ring. I hear ya. Braces belong on faces. These braces are in the wrong places. The braces ring punches faces with braces, knocking out teeth and leaving spaces, leaving suckers nothing but shaking disgraces. Sorry about that. My Seuss was loose, but I called a truce.
Anyway, the braces ring is finally an accessory for all of you braces wearers. It goes with your main grill. Don’t kiss your ring or both are gonna get tangled up.
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You get older you lose your teeth. Or as my grandmother says, “You get older you lose your teef!” But that doesn’t mean you can’t get a new pair that you can color with. I’mma put these teeth crayons in my mouth, grab a coloring book and start biting as I move the page accordingly. If my printer can do it, I can do it. It’s how I eat stuff anyway. I’m like an old typewriter. *Nibble nibble nibble. Ding! Moves food back into position and repeats. Looks at the pile of crumbs at my feet. Tosses empty corn cob.*
Just gotta practice keeping the colors between the lines. *Holds up tattered and torn coloring book page.* Not bad. Too bad everything tastes like Crayola now.
You can store your trinkets in these Monster Boxes With Teeth from Etsy seller Left Hand Asylum and no one would dare plunder your treasures. Well, if there was a twinkie inside or a candy bar, I would take my chances prying those jaws apart. I might lose a finger or three, but it would be totally worth it. First I would get a stick and jam it in there so he can’t bite down, then I would comment on it’s bad breath and throw a tic-tac in there. Then, like Indiana Jones, I would carefully open the box inside.
Two pieces of lint and a Fortune Cookie! *Eats fortune cookie up. Looks at the fortune* “The fortune you seek is in another cookie.” Stupid monster box! Hey… In another cookie… I have a box of Oreos in the kitchen. I’ll start there.
*Two years later*
*Chinese doctor comes back in the room. Hands me a tiny fortune shaped paper* It reads: You have diabetes. Doctor says, “Monster take many forms. You have your fortune. Thanks for tic-tac” and vanishes.
God dammit!
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Excuse me good sir, do you have the time? *Reaches into vest. Pulls out pocket watch. Holds it to guys face* But of course. Time to bite your face off!
This Pocket Watch Full Of Teeth is, what’s the right word? I think Squeampunk fits. Yeah squeampunk. It makes me squeamish, but it’s kinda cool. No way I’m keeping this thing in my pocket, by my junk. I feel like it needs a mint or a tic-tac or something. Right in the middle there.
Scare the hell out of anyone who dares to tailgate you on the open road with this Creature Teeth License Plate Frame. I suggest you use it with plates like 1EATUN0W. Or just, you know, drive around without a license plate. You can say that this frame ate it. I’m pretty sure license plates are strictly optional like seat belts and windshields. I wouldn’t know since I tool around on my banana seat bicycle all day. I really should clean the bananas off the seat. It attracts flies.
Go ahead and laugh, but I don’t get stuck in traffic jams, I don’t buy gas and my bicycle bell sounds friggin’ awesome! *Ding Ding, Ding Ding* “Go back in your homes kids, it only sounds like the ice cream man”.
“More like the Kool-Aid man! Fatty!” *Kid ducks back inside*
“Why you little-!”
*Ditches bike in the grass and runs through the kid’s brick wall* Oh yeah!