Teeth Crayons

Teeth Crayons
You get older you lose your teeth. Or as my grandmother says, “You get older you lose your teef!” But that doesn’t mean you can’t get a new pair that you can color with. I’mma put these teeth crayons in my mouth, grab a coloring book and start biting as I move the page accordingly. If my printer can do it, I can do it. It’s how I eat stuff anyway. I’m like an old typewriter. *Nibble nibble nibble. Ding! Moves food back into position and repeats. Looks at the pile of crumbs at my feet. Tosses empty corn cob.*

Just gotta practice keeping the colors between the lines. *Holds up tattered and torn coloring book page.* Not bad. Too bad everything tastes like Crayola now.

Plush Spider Baby: Made From The Souls Of Your Old Toys

plush spider babyDo you have a bunch of old toys that you would like to re-animate? Cool. Etsy sappymoosetree will work some strange cultist magic and turn your old toys into a kick-ass plush spider baby. Not sure if that involves zapping it with lightning or not, but once this thing comes to life, all of the toys in your house are dead.

And since it will have the souls of all of your old toys and the ones it just ate, it will be an unstoppable force of evil. It may even mutate again all on it’s own. If this thing wanders into a Toys R Us we are all screwed!
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Scented Beer Bottle Candles

Beer Bottle Candles
These Scented Beer Bottle Candles are perfect for your mancave. For once you won’t have to get drunk and spill your beer in the wife’s candle to have a beer scented candle. Or spill wax in your beer bottle. Etsy seller UReflections
has done all of the work for you.

No more dumping beer on the carpet to get that smell. Now you can have fresh beer scent even if you don’t live in a beer splattered pigsty of your own making. We truly are living in the future.

Garbage Pail KidsTrading Card Notebooks

garbage pail kids
Garbage Pail Kids. They’re all kinds of gross, but you can’t help but love these little freaks. So what else can you do with those cards besides collect ’em, put ’em in the spokes of your bike and stick ’em all over your parent’s expensive stuff? You can make notebooks out of ’em. And that’s just what Etsy seller ESNotebooks did. Pretty cool. The seller has several to choose from.

Garbage Pail Kids! Puhhhleaseeee! I was a dumpster baby before it was cool. In fact, I can’t get anywhere near a dumpster without wanting to jump in and nest. And suckle on mother’s sweet and possibly radioactive trash juices. Hey, the corners of Hefty bags make for some good sucking. No worries. I grew up nice and strong….smelling.
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Beer Box Cowboy Hats: DUI, Dressing Under the Influence

beer hat
No ossifer, I am notch drunk! I jus likes nice hatz! Just cus my hatz made of a beer box doesn’t mean I imbible alcohol. I was jus on my weight to Nascar what wif wrestlin not being on and all. Bref-a-lizer. Watts a bref-a-lizer?

Whether you are on your way to NASCAR, a tractor pull, or just chillin’ in your single-wide watching the wrastlin’, these stetson hats made from beer boxes will make you the King. Of beer. They come in all kinds of beer brands. It let’s them know what you drink before you even get to the bar. It also lets law enforcement know who to hassle.

*Points radar gun at car zooming past. Puts car in gear* We got us a live one! He was only doing about 35, but he must be drunker than a skunk at a Tallahassee wedding cause he was wearing a damn beer box on his head. Call for backup. This one is gonna be trouble.
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