Author: Artemis Winterford

It’s Come To This – Christmas Tree Eyebrows

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It's Come To This - Christmas Tree Eyebrows
This is peak humanity right here. If ants trapped on the tips of your fingers aren’t enough, get ready for this holiday season’s stupidest human tricks: Christmas Tree Eyebrows. People all over Instagram are turning their eyebrows into Christmas trees. This one here looks like two comets coming together to create another Starbucks customer. I guess you gotta do something creative with those two gold stars she earned from her vocab class. Another stupid trend. I’m surprised they’re not hanging giant ornaments from these eyebrows that block their vision too.

I would kiss that mouth though if she hung some mistletoe from her nose. What’s with the glowing “Omega” symbol in her eyes? Is she Illuminati? Now I can’t unsee it and this chick is really freaking me out. I think I may have just been programmed.

Black Heart Soap

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Black Heart Soap
I don’t know about you, but I like to wash my hands with the hearts of my enemies and use their hair as loofas. So naturally, I dig this Black Heart Soap. I would never fib about these dark hearts, but I might defib them if I had the equipment. I hear what you’re thinking. That aorta make better jokes. Anyway, if you have a black heart, get all sudsy with it. I’m getting these so that my roommate can have a heart attack. You know, when I throw them at him.

Anatomic Anna and Andy Anatomy Dolls

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Anatomic Anna and Andy Anatomy Dolls
Imagine their surprise when you give little Johnny and Judy this set of dolls for Christmas. Cuz every kid wants to start playing with their dolls only watch their guts fall out. Meet the Anatomic Anna and Andy Anatomy Dolls. The king and queen of the creepy doll world. They are designed to help kids learn, but the only thing your kids will learn is that these dolls are f**king gross. They come with clothes and all kinds of accessories. And by accessories, I mean organs like the liver, spleen, heart, kidney and other gooey innards.

I mean, if you are raising your kid to be a coroner, I guess they have to start somewhere. Funding for this Kickstarter was unsuccessful. I can’t imagine why.

Werewolf Coloring Book

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Werewolf Coloring Book
Do you love Werewolves? Then this Werewolf coloring book may be just the thing for you. I had an encounter with one the other night. I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vics. His hair was perfect. The book has 16 unique coloring pictures, along with some fun werewolf facts. If you love werewolves, you’re gonna love coloring this book. Don’t color under a full moon. Just don’t.

UFO with Tractor Beam Lamp

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UFO with Tractor Beam Lamp
If you still need a night light to sleep, this may just be the right light for you. It’s actually pretty cool, as far as night lights go. Well, until you suffer PTSD from repeated alien abduction attempts. The UFO with Tractor Beam Lamp includes a multi-color tractor beam and the UFO disc comes in grey but can be customized to any color. It comes with a remote control, so you can turn it on and change the color of the light from across the room. I WANT TO BELIEVE.