Category: Craft Fail

Duct Tape Teddy Bear: Build-A-Bear…On A Budget

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duct tape teddy bearAwww. It’s a duct tape teddy bear. I’m gonna call him the Gimp and use him as a stress reliever. What’s that? This late fee is going to cost me like $40 bucks extra??? BRING OUT THE GIMP! AND GET MY BAT! Another f***ing telemarketer called? THE GIMP! AT ONCE! I really don’t understand these taxes. You mean the more I make, the more I owe? GIMP! TO ME! NOW!

I hope he’s built solid cause I have a lot of issues. My therapist will be pleased that I’m not taking it out on his furniture every time he sighs and calls a bathroom break.

“Why are you so out of breath and why is my couch all torn apart and full of holes?”

“The same reason your bathroom smells like Mary Jane. Stress relief. You needed a break from me and I needed to justify paying $400 a session when I could just-”

“Let’s talk about your mother. I-”

“YOU ARE LOOKING A LOT LIKE THE GIMP DOCTOR! TIME FOR YOUR SESSION!”
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Gangsta Rap Coloring Book

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Gangsta Rap Coloring BookBreak out the crayons, not the Glock! This Gangsta Rap Coloring Book is 48 pages of line drawings featuring “Gangsta” rappers, that you can color. Or as one reviewer says:

I purchased this as a means to reminisce, because I used to roll deep with a crew full of G’s. I got out because my baby mama was givin’ me grief. She was worried about me not being there one day, she wanted me to bring it proper, walk the straight and narrow. Anyway, this is the heat. Any book that lets you experiment with Biggy and Nas’s wardrobe in different shades of blue is aight in my book. I bought it for every kid in my sunday school class. I found out a few weeks later that they hit the corner in their low low and beat their first trick. I heard they’re in the market for firearms without serial numbers now. I’m so proud of all of them. It’s good knowing I’ve helped another generation learn how to skate on haters who perpetrate.

Demonic Tampon Machine Demands Blood

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tampon machineI can’t imagine anything scarier than a woman in need of a tampon who enters a public restroom only to encounter this terrifying tampon dispensing machine. This thing actually works. You can buy it for $75, fill it with tampons and hang it in a restroom somewhere, getting rich 25 cents at a time.

Until some angry and cramping PMS sufferer smashes it with a baseball bat anyway. Oh well. Was a good plan anyway.

*Angry woman busts through the door* WHO PUT THAT OFFENSIVE POS ON THE BATHROOM WALL?

*Me pointing to some random dude* It was him. He also said you look bloated. I said you have a soft glow about you. I’ll just get out of the way as you unleash your inner once-a-month-fury on him, while pretending you see your husband’s face.

Condom Porcelain Doll Sculpture: That Rascal Is Wrapped

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condom statueI don’t even know what to say about this condom wrapped Durex mummy. Yeah I do. It looks like a Trojan factory worker took someone hostage and just used what they had handy to tie him up. Let’s see what the seller says. The seller’s words are in italics. My responses are bold.

“Trappings I” is a piece that demands inquiry.

Yeah, like why the f did you do it? Also, any other hobbies we should know about? Last inquiry: Do your hands smell like lube?

It arrests the attention of anyone looking at it.

Yeah, my attention is all handcuffed and beat with a baton. Can’t even make out your badge number through my black eye. Still swear I smell lube. Is that thing gonna stink worse or less as it sits on the mantel?

Not only due to the stark contrast of the actual materials used, but once one begins to question why they were used, a real debate can open up. This piece speaks to social issues that are raging even now. The interpretation is of course up to the viewer, but there were real issues I wanted to bring up with this piece.

We already know why you used the materials you used. It’s better they don’t go to waste. At least they were used for something. The only debate is whether you have any left over for future projects. Depends what kind of a deal you got on an economy pack. As far as issues the artist wanted to bring to this piece, oh yeah, you brought ’em! This piece is full of issues.
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Life-Like Baby Groot From Guardians of the Galaxy

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baby groot sculptureSomebody paid $20.99 including shipping, for this life-like Baby Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy movie. I can’t believe I missed bidding on this! You supply the music and baby Groot will supply the dance moves.