Category: Just Plain Weird

Black Raven With Secret Key

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Black Raven With Secret Key
So this is what everyone is raven about. This Black Raven With Secret Key is the perfect decor for your garden. What’s the key to? Your heart of course. How the hell should I know? They love shiny things. I should know since they keep pecking at my jewels. The family jewels that is. Why attack my crotch? What the hell is wrong with these black ravens? Must be my shiny zipper. I can’t even go outside anymore.

Yeah, so this one’s not for me, but you’ll probably love it. I’m better off with these stained glass ravens. But I can’t stop asking myself what that key is for? Is it a key to raven headquarters? Does he have all of the shiny stuff that he collected locked up in a vault and he keeps it close so no one can steal it all? Is he teaching other ravens to do this? Are we going to see birds everywhere wearing a key like this, maybe two or three, all decked out like Mr. T? I have so many questions and the bird ain’t talking. He ain’t even squawking. Mostly I just want to take a peek at his super secret stash.

Creepy Face Plaque To Make Your Walls Crawl

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Creepy Face Plaque To Make Your Walls Crawl
This Creepy Face Plaque goes on your wall to make it seem like some creeper is watching you from another room. This would be the one that you know about anyway. I can’t tell if he’s startled by what he’s seen or happy about it, but he’s definitely seen some sh*t. Oh yeah, you’ve seen some caca if you’re watching me. You have no idea. That’s gotta suck not being able to scratch your own nose though, so maybe help him out from time to time. Give him a little scratch is all I’m saying. A little tickle now and then. I would personally hide this on the inside of a cabinet door to scare the hell out of anyone trying to steal my snacks. So I hereby name him Snack Guardian. This creepy face plaque kinda reminds me of the old lady in the Goonies. He really should get more sleep. I mean look at those bags under the eyes. Look at that skin? Would a little moisturizer kill ya? I’m talking about some simple self care my man.  No one else will love you until you love you. That’s all I’m saying. Even your damn lips are chapped.

Gothic Lace Bat Ornament

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Gothic Lace Bat Ornament
Here’s some gothic lace for ya gothic face! To display in ya gothic place! Or ya gothic space. Just look at how awesome this thing is. This Gothic Lace Bat Ornament is sexy and lacey. It looks like the wings move too. Kind of like lingerie for your home. MMMM MMM girl. You know just what I like to come home to. I don’t even want you to take it off. This blood-red lace ornament is going to look good in your castle. Personally, I’d like to see this as a bra and panty set. Can somebody make that happen? So sexy. Get’s my blood pumping. Wait, that’s just the red bull causing a minor cardiac infartion. Haha. I said in-fart-ion. Help me!

I’m dreaming that I come home to a beautiful redhead wearing this… It’s for the home, that’s right. Just for decoration. I have to focus. This Gothic Lace Bat Ornament is just so sexy I can’t help it. I have a real problem. I feel the same way about these bat wing sunglasses.

Baby Maggot Purse

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Baby Maggot Purse
Where’s my purse? Well, it just didn’t get up and walk away. That’s not true if you are rocking the Baby Maggot Purse. It’s a baby, it’s apparently a maggot according to the seller and it will hold all of your important stuff. When you get home just drop it on the floor and it will put itself away. And all will be well until one day when you need to put it to sleep with a shotgun and then burn it in the fireplace. Trust me, it can happen.

Until then, enjoy.

The armored spine is a nice touch. The Baby Maggot Purse is not only evil, but also tough as hell. And apparently this thing is royalty judging by that tiny crown on it’s dead-eyed head. King of the maggots I guess. This thing is definitely nightmare fuel. Much like the baby maggot necklace.

Scary Stories Throw Blanket

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Scary Stories Throw Blanket
I’m under my Scary Stories Throw Blanket and ready for my scary stories right now. Which one of you is ready to read? You know the drill, I hide under the blanket, fall asleep within 5 minutes and you get to watch a wet spot slowly appear like a specter from my nether region. I know, I’m a real catch. I’m the scariest story. Ask any mother. Hell, ask anybody.

This blanket is inspired by the actual Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark book and will keep you warm while stories are being told. It’s a throw blanket so just throw it anywhere and everywhere. Toss it here and toss it there. Toss it everywhere. Toss your salad underneath. If you have a throw blanket you’re required to throw it like 10 times a day. It’s in the name. And I’m pretty sure that is federal law. All I know is that this is enough to get the “wet” out from the nightmare stories of the night before, but that’s just me. And hey, if dark mermaids are more your thing, check out this Mermaid Skeleton Blanket. It is pretty sexy and like totally goth and will look amazing in your home.