Tag: black

Costume Bat Wings

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Costume Bat Wings
Hey, get behind me and hold my hips for a sec while I put these Costume Bat Wings on. *Cue the music* “I’m flying, Jack! I’m flying!” Like poison ivy. Wait, she doesn’t fly.

Everybody is always like, “Grow a pair!” or “Why don’t you man up and grow a pair?” Man, I wish I could. If I could grow a pair, I would grow a pair of bat wings like these and then I would flap them together so fast and lift up and do ballerina moves so gracefully. All I’ve ever wanted was to do the bat-ballet.

Yo! That right there is why you need to grow a pair. Ya sissy!

*Startled out of my ballet as I twirl with my arms against my chest! Begins to sob. Lip quivers. Then I pull myself together.* Fair enough!
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Anatomical Heart Vase

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Anatomical Heart Vase
Your honor, I present exhibit A into evidence. An Anatomical Heart Vase. My case rests on one simple fact- The prosecution is out of order! What? No way! I’m out aorta? You’re out aorta! This whole damn courtroom is out aorta!

Sorry. Had to get that off my chest. This vase is awesome. The next time someone tells you to have a heart, just show it to them. Burn! Already got one buddy. And it’s cold and black! Full of flowers too, so I guess it’s warm after all. Kind of a happy medium. Every time you cut the stems on your flowers, you will feel like you are performing triple bypass surgery.
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Black Leather Bone and Chain Breast Plate Body Armor

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Black Leather Bone and Chain Breast Plate Body Armor
This Black Leather Bone and Chain Breast Plate Body Armor will have you apocalypse ready in an instant. The base is made from a leather biker jacket with a bunch of deer and raccoon ribs and a muskrat skull. You know, just your standard body armor. I would totally wear this and go out into the Wasteland like Mad Max.

Every night I would sleep under the stars and wake up to birds pecking at my chest, but that’s okay. I would look badass.
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Keep It Classy With Black Toilet Paper

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black toliet paperBlack Toilet paper. You gotta keep things classy on the can. Brown on white is so low class. Brown on black? That s**t is classy as f**k! If your establishment doesn’t have black toilet paper and I need to take a massive after my evening meal in your fancy restaurant, I’m just gonna rip the waiters tie off and take it with me.

Nothing but the best for me. Besides, silk is so smooth and soft. Plus you charged me out the ass, so the ass strikes back. I would call a plumber too. I lost like 20 pounds in there. Screw Jenny Craig!