Nice Kraken! – Cthulhu Leggings

Nice Kraken! - Cthulhu Leggings
These Cthulhu Leggings put squishy and colorful tentacles all over your legs. They also accentuate your kraken if you know what I mean. *Checks myself out in the mirror.* Do these leggings make my Cthulhu look huge? No? Good. Gotta say, that shot of them head on kinda makes your lady parts look ferocious. I was gonna flirt with ya, but no effin way! My sea ship doesn’t need to be attacked by your she serpent!

On another note, everyone makes such a big deal out of Cthulhu, but he puts his pants on one tentacle at a time just like the rest of us. I ain’t impressed. Okay, I am impressed by just how many legs his pants actually have. And that when he wears them he looks like a spiky pufferfish with many arms.

Coffin Heart Brooch

Coffin Heart Brooch
This Coffin Heart Brooch is a coffin. It’s a heart. If anyone has ever ripped out your heart and buried it six feet under, you know the pain I’m talking about. Also, if someone did that to you, you are probably dead. Cuz we can’t survive without a heart. Politicians are the exception.

Wear this brooch proudly near your heart. It may just protect you from heartbreak. *sobs* I just can’t… I feel so lonely and sad and used. Why? Why was the store out of Cool Ranch Doritos? Dear God, why? *sobs hysterically.*

Weird Earbrow Capelet

Weird Earbrow Capelet
If you’re looking for a fashion accessory that has ears and eyebrows this Weird Earbrow Capelet is for you. Earbrows are so this season. New from designer Tommy Shillfigure. Or is it Christian Di-ear? I have no idea. I’m not gonna buy. I was just… browsing.
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Memento Mori Mourning Ring

Memento Mori Mourning Ring
Do you know what Memento mori means? I had to look it up, cuz you know, 3rd grade education here. It means “remember that you must die”. I was like, okay thanks for the advice. And to you? Remember that you must get a fist to your face! Remind me about my mortality will you? Anyway, this Memento Mori Mourning Ring can be worn in morning and in mourning. Anytime you like actually. Anytime you feel like you need a big old fly on your knuckle with a skull on it’s butt. It looks like the Hell’s Angels of flies.

He’s all like, “A picnic? Let me land on your hot dog. have a look at my big old badonkadonk skull! Enjoy the plague!”

Hey, Why not? – Breast Milk Jewelry

Hey, Why not- Breast Milk Jewelry
So yeah, Breast Milk Jewelry is a thing now. Whaaaaa Whaaaaa, hey I’m teething over here, hows about you break out one of those tasty milk dispensers and feed me already! Says the baby. But mom can’t. You know why? Because she used all of her milk up to make jewelry. Sad, but true. You’ll just have to stop your whining and drink GMO milk like the rest of us.

All kidding aside… Breast jewelry ever. Even if it is udder-ly ridiculous.