The good thing about this can of Campbell’s Cream Of Chicken Feet Soup is that you can use one of the talons to open the can.
Uh, thanks mom, but I don’t need any soup. I’m feeling much better now. Your choice of grocery store items has induced vomiting. As usual. You go ahead and enjoy yourself.
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Arrrrrrrr matey! Feast yer eyes on this antique pirate machine. Pull the lever and lose ye booty. No, it won’t slim ye butt-shanks, I mean prepare to lose yer treasure as ye drop coin down my slot. What do ye mean I sound like an old mermaid harlot? Listen, get ye mind out of the gutter and yank me pistol down to get me dials spinning. What? Oh nevermind!
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This is how you deal with smugglers that are ticking you off. You freeze them in carbonite and make a toilet seat out of them, so they are forced to kiss your fat butt cheeks for all eternity. If you are a big fat slug creature, you can always freeze someone else for your wall, but Solo deserves the toilet treatment. $59.99.
Sweet. This $949. Pharmassist Computer will walk you through your symptoms and advise you on recommended medications. “Hi. Yeah, my NyQuil is all gone. I know this because I have stopped seeing the little furry mushroom people who live in the cracks in my walls. Now I’m looking for something that in pharmacy lingo is gonna make me really ‘trip balls’. What da ya got?”
“What do you mean it doesn’t actually give out medicine, or as I like to call it ‘burning man candy’? Damn it. Back to NyQuil it is then.”
I thought mermaids were supposed to be beautiful, but this mermaid isn’t gonna use it’s assets to lure any sailors to their doom. This rooster-headed, perhaps half vampire monstrosity could have used a support net on those tatas too, because they have seen better days. They are sagging toward Davy Jones’ locker.
For only $79 you can scare the bejesus out of everyone and sicken your mailman everyday, by putting this in your front yard.
Read more “This Mermaid Statue Is Not The Siren You Were Looking For”