Candy Land called. It wants its candy dress back. At a recent Willy Wonka fashion show this dress stole the show. It’s made out of Rock candy, Sour straps, Marshmallow ropes, Gummi Grapefruit & M&M’s. You know, the five basic food groups. You could tell that somebody hack stage licked it all over and then hung it back up cuz it was covered in lint and hair. For $2,500. it better be lined with everlasting gobstoppers.
Tag: edible
Edible Eyes
I won’t eat anything with eyes on it. Wait! What? You put some edible eyes on some doughnuts? Then it shall see it’s death as my wanting mouth descends upon it’s soft and jelly-filled body. It will also see the terror that is the slide down my throat and the hard landing in my stomach, where it will be compacted by the crunchy orange bones of half-digested Cheetos soaking in a river of Mountain Dew. There it will slowly dissolve until only the eyes remain to greet my next victim.
Edible eyes. I’d eat that. Say, my poops not gonna look like a brown trout now, is it? Between the corn and now the eyes, I’ll almost have a not-so Frosty the steamy brown snowman. Just needs a corn-cob pipe. I’ll be the jolly happy soul though. Feels good to unload, even if it does look back from the bowl.
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Edible Candy Bra Is Sadly Not Packing Reese’s Cups
A candy necklace that is not a necklace at all, but a bra that women can wear on their boobies? Never got offered one of those on Halloween. I guess this edible boulder holder is all about the foreplay. Well, I may be old fashioned, but I don’t think that foreplay should give you cavities. So just take that off right now and let me nibble for about ten minutes, then we can get down to business.
Ten minutes later:
Damn that was good. Sorry babe, can’t do the deed. Too much sugar. Sleepy time now. Sugar coma. Great choice in lingerie. You should buy another one. Nighty night. *mumbles…snores…drools*
One minute later:
*Jolts awake* Why are you hitting me? OW that hurts. OW quit it! What the hell are you whipping me with?
I did buy another you son of a b***h and now we’re gonna use it. ALL. NIGHT. LONG. Your new name is Candy Man. On your knees and sing the song! DO IT!
*crying/singing* Who can make the sun rise?…..
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Underwear Cookies: Just Wait’ll We Get Our Hanes…In You
Underwear cookies. Edible undies! Tidey Whiteys! They start out white, but after a while they are just a well traveled road covered in skid marks and yellow oil stains from accidents. Accidents are gonna happen on any road. You can say, “Fix our roads. What do we pay taxes for?”, but really you are just too cheap to buy new underwear. And by you, I mean me.
To Etsy seller SugarLaneBakeShop, I say this. I want to eat your undies! All of them. Not ashamed to say it.
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