Fast Food Nightmare Painting

omgwtfgmoDamn. This painting titled “Fast Food Nightmare 3” is scary as hell because it’s like one of those horror movies that’s based on a true story. Let’s see if I can decode this work of art.

Basically, Ronald McDonald is feeding some GMO corn to the Taco Bell dog, who naturally has explosive diarrhea and poops on the clown prince of crime’s oversized shoe. Burger King is all like, “my thumbs are tied. I can neither help with the cleanup or serve it up as a whopper. But can you save it for me?” Then Wendy is all like, “He he. I’m evil with a cute face.” Jack in the box looks on like an illuminati master, waiting, calculating. Seeing how it all plays out. Meanwhile, it must be the blindfolded customer’s first time dining in hell, because she’s not obscenely obese. Also, she has no arms with which to choke Colonel Sander’s chicken.

Edible Candy Bra Is Sadly Not Packing Reese’s Cups

Edible Candy BraA candy necklace that is not a necklace at all, but a bra that women can wear on their boobies? Never got offered one of those on Halloween. I guess this edible boulder holder is all about the foreplay. Well, I may be old fashioned, but I don’t think that foreplay should give you cavities. So just take that off right now and let me nibble for about ten minutes, then we can get down to business.

Ten minutes later:

Damn that was good. Sorry babe, can’t do the deed. Too much sugar. Sleepy time now. Sugar coma. Great choice in lingerie. You should buy another one. Nighty night. *mumbles…snores…drools*

One minute later:

*Jolts awake* Why are you hitting me? OW that hurts. OW quit it! What the hell are you whipping me with?

I did buy another you son of a b***h and now we’re gonna use it. ALL. NIGHT. LONG. Your new name is Candy Man. On your knees and sing the song! DO IT!

*crying/singing* Who can make the sun rise?…..
Read more “Edible Candy Bra Is Sadly Not Packing Reese’s Cups”

Have A Pixie Infestation? Get A Pixie Trap

pixie trapYeah I know. Pixies are so beautiful. They just flutter around, spewing glitter from their wings, granting virgins free wishes and making flowers glow in vibrant colors with their passing. I’ve seen the propaganda. The truth is that Pixies are pests. And pests need to be eliminated. With extreme prejudice. That’s what Pixie traps are for.

Sadly, this humorous piece from Etsy seller BlueMaiya is no longer avilable, but if you ask nicely maybe she will make you one. It was inspired by Brian Froud’s pressed fairies.

Bizarre Two Headed Mummy

twin terrorsThis monstrosity looks like every annoying teen duo that you have ever seen at the mall, just gabbing away at each other’s faces like sugar-fueled little rottweilers barking things like “OMG”, “I know, right!”, “That was so totes brill Bethany!”, and other stupid things at each other. These terror twins just have more rotted skin and yet are less emaciated than the mall rat variety. They are also much smarter and less likely to get hit by a bus while checking a text, saying, “OMG guys! It’s from Brad!”

These two are BFFs, literally. Connected for all time. They look just as shallow as mall vermin, but they won’t run their gobs non-stop at you. It only looks like they are talking each other’s decaying heads off. Only $625 on Ebay.

One more shot below.
Read more “Bizarre Two Headed Mummy”

WTF: Star Trek Kirk and Spock Body Pillow Cases

spock and kirk pillow casesWTF in the name of Starfleet and all that is holy, is going on here? I did a spit-take when I first saw these Star Trek body pillows featuring Kirk and Spock seductively half undressed, so that some nerd can do a Vulcan groin meld all over them. Body pillows are for comfort, not for humpin’ and bumpin’ the heroes of Star Fleet.

Basically, for $50 you can come home to Kirk and Spock waiting for you in your bed. Ready for…whatever it is you three want to do. You get both Kirk and Spock so you are basically bones in this threesome. Just imagine, during the hot and heavy action, you can say stuff like “Damnit Jim, I’m a Doctor, not Ron Jeremy.”

I think Spock with his pants half undone is the more disturbing of the pair. This set just makes me feel all weird.
Read more “WTF: Star Trek Kirk and Spock Body Pillow Cases”