Tag: etsy

Custom Monster Rug: Wipe Your Feet, Then Count Your Toes

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

monster rugThis custom monster rug is going to look sweet in my D and D themed nerd castle. I’m gonna tell people I killed it myself, with a buffed-up Dwarven bow and an invisibility ring. Phaw. Wasn’t even wearing the ring. Etsy seller DarkKnitsEtsy will make it custom, however you like. Then all you have to do is act like you were tough enough to bring the best down and impress your friends.

It already has a strip going down the back that makes it look like it was run over with a moped. Which in fact is a far more likely method of me killing a fierce beast.
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Uskulls Are Full Of Junk, Just Like Your Real Skull

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

uskullUskulls are clear skulls like that one in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull movie that sucked, but they have your stuff inside.

Hoarder: I wish I could store as much crap in my head as I do in my rat-infested home.

Uskull rep: Now you can. Introducing Uskull. It’s you. In a skull. Have crap? We will put it in a clear skull, so that you can display said crap among your other knick knacks. It will compliment your piles of moth-eaten newspaper and also goes well with rat turds and cat corpses. Only $375.
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Wormbaby Caterpillar Babies

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Wormbaby Caterpillar BabiesIs it creepy or cute? Beats me. I only know that I was infested with wormbabies one time and it was a nightmare to get rid of them. If you don’t catch them quick, they use their soft-serve pointy heads to attach themselves to objects and form a cocoon. Then they turn into mothbabies and start eating holes in your clothes.

That’s probably why my clothes have so many holes in them. It doesn’t help that when I drop food on my shirt, I suck out the stain like a vampire. You can’t let all of that mac and cheese MSG go to waste. It’s like Bill Compton going to town on Sooky Stackhouse. Or Eric Northman. Or those other 10 guys. Sooky, you is a tramp. *Does the Lafayette finger snap and saunters away swaying my hips*
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Hit It Until Candy Comes Out: Zombie Pinata

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

zombie pinataWhat the hell is that? It’s a friggin’ zombie. Run! No way, I’m gonna smash it’s brains in. *thud* *whack* *crack* Hey, what’s that? Those brains are delicious candy. Holy Jesus on a Jetski! There’s a whole horde of them coming. I don’t know about you, but I’m about to go Trick or Treating all up in this freak show. Let’s hope some of them have some Reeses cups stuck in their neck melon!
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Leather Armor Meat Bracers

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

meat bracersHey LARPers. Forget that fancy enchanted set of golden Warlock bracers that you have. Sure they give you +2 defense, but take it from me, it hurts like a mother trucker when that sword hits your wrist. And the force of the blow will probably still shatter your calcium deficient nerd bones.

You need something with some give. You need meat bracers. These are at least +5 defense with a +10 grossness thrown in. If Rocky trained with meat, the least you can do is wear some as armor. Plus, you’ll look badass, like someone has already flayed your skin off. Probably your mom. Because she’s sick of her nerd son freeloading in her basement. You losers need to-

Not now mom!

I’ll do it when I’m finished. No, I’m not rolling the forums again. And it’s TROLLING mom. Did you finish sewing my Elven Wizard costume yet?
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