Conceal your true identity behind tentacles when you cosplay as Cthulhu wearing this hoodie. Girl, you look so fine I had to roll a sanity check, cuz I’m about to lose my mind. The gamer geeks know what I’m talking about. This Cthulhu hoodie will keep you warm and looking like the ancient terror himself.
You’ll look like you are crawling out of his tentacled mouth.
Read more “Cthulhu Zippered Fleece Hoodie”
This Belly-Bursting Baby Halloween Costume can be easily made at home by making sweet love to a mutant and not using birth control. Mutant babies always burst out of the belly near Halloween, holding their own trick or treat bag.
Not saying I’m a mutant, but I don’t care if this thing burst out of my wife’s belly or not, I’m still getting all of the Reese’s cups this Halloween. And you better finish coming out. Feels weird now when we spoon. You keep moving your little fingers like so it feels like a centipede on my back. And what’s with that weird O face? It’s creepy. No way. You are NOT stuck. Get out the rest of the way now!
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Yes, it is too late to claw your eyes out and un-see this monstrosity. It is called Gender Doubting Thomas. The seller is right, this may just be the creepiest puppet on earth. Is it a man or a woman. Don’t know. Don’t care. I just need it to go away and get out of my head now. From the seller:
“Under this chubby, sweaty, and hairy exterior beats the heart of a little girl…
Details include a creepy comb-over with real hair, chest hair, the bloody hand prints of tiny hands.
He/she is hand cast in latex, hand painted and the multi-layered costume is hand cut, distressed and sewn. A fully functional hand puppet is ready to emotionally scar someone for life.”
It already has. It already has.
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You have to protect your furniture from drinks. Otherwise your wife will slap you silly, grab you by the neck and shove your face in it. That’s what happens around here anyway. So use a coaster. A manly coaster that will show her who the boss is. Like meat!
So after that little “incident” I got some meat from the fridge and slapped it down onto the coffee table. Then slammed my drink into that delicious slab of beef. See? I’m using a coaster! I am the man of this house!
It was a good plan. Until she made me eat it, all raw and bloody. My nerdy muscles could not overcome her. This package of meat coasters might be a better alternative.
Read more “USDA Approved Meat Coasters”
Make everyday a full moon with this crazy Werewolf Transformation Mask. You’ll have to provide your own sounds of bones breaking and tendons tearing as you transform and puke up a friggin’ Werewolf snout from your mouth. This sweet mask is just $52 and it will scare the hell out of everybody.
I actually grew up thinking I was a werewolf. Dad used to lock me up in a metal room once a month on the full moon. He told me I was a werewolf and it was for my own good. So I would freak out and claw up the walls, throw my own feces and wonder why I wasn’t all hairy. Then in the morning he let me out. Turns out that was how mom and dad got me out of their way for “date night”.
Mom, why are you walking funny? Did I get out of the cage and hurt you? Yes. Yes you did. You are a bad werewolf boy.