Is it me or are rats getting bigger lately? Must be all of that radiation everywhere mutating them. Like this dead rat scarf. That’s a long wiener rat right there. It will keep you warm and toasty and all decked out in rat fashion.
Just $70 from Etsy seller MissSnowberry. Phaw. I could knit one myself. I’ll do it now. *returns 20 days later* Behold the rat scarf! *unfurls scarf* I mean Octopus. Behold the mangled octopus!
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This haunted house candle made from beeswax will let you do something you’ve always wanted to do. Burn down a haunted house and send the ghouls back to their ever lovin’ hell. When you get to the bottom of the candle and it’s nothing but a gooey pile of waxy rubble, you can be all like, “Haha ghosts. Now what are you gonna haunt?” *You* “Wait. What?” *How did you think it worked?*
“I can reshape this beeswax in no time. Just give me like 4 hours.” *Why 4 hours?* “I have kind of an attention deficit problem. I was gonna play Mario Kart, but then I pet a cat, then noticed the internet. That reminded me about Minecraft and a few hours later, I looked up, saw the candle and lit it because…fire.” *Booming voice* MORON *whoooooosh* *curtains lift in the breeze*
Well, there’s another ghost successfully banished. Out you pixies go, through the door or out the window. Oh look, a cat video.
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Etsy seller CuriousCircus will let you create your own unique potion bottles. You know, so you can hack a golem to pieces or have enough mana to summon a wicked cool Priestess barely wearing any clothing and carrying a Staff of Eternal Doritos Wand.
I down like 5 stamina potions a day. At least I did, until I found out Mountain Dew is +10 diabetes. Not stamina. They really should change the color. If it’s green it should either be Kryptonite or stamina potion. And pro tip: Mountain Dew red isn’t health potion. Gives you the runs.
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Check out this Weird Al drawing. He’s half man, half dinosaur, but all white and nerdy. $225 on Etsy? Damn son. I can get all up in paint shop and crack one of these bad boys out in like 5 minutes. Okay, if I did it, it would be in crayon, but I know people who can use paint shop.
My mom goes to the paint shop all the time to match the colors on the walls. Cause I’m always swinging lightsabers and knocking off paint chips like they were Sith Lords. Mom calls me Obi-Wan-You-Owe-Me. Cause I owe her for the walls. Whatevs. Bill me sucka. And by bill me, I mean Bill Cosby. As in, “Mom, get me a pudding pop!”
Speak & Math. I may never have mastered it, but I get by just fine. Aside from the occasional cashier taking advantage of me and the occasional $40 dollar pizza. Like they say, they aren’t trying to rip me off. It’s just inflation. Anywho, This sweet Speak & Math has been turned into a “Freakenspreak Dragon”. Only something this badass could finally teach me some math skills.
Etsy seller ARTSTRUMENTS has mutated this Speak & Math and turned it into a crazy dragon that plays freaky sounds and alien voices. Click through for a crazy impressive list of the features.
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