Tag: furniture

The Skull Chair Awaits It’s Next Victim

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

skull chairWhat manner of skulduggery is this? You mean this is a skull that I can actually sit in? I think those teeth might hurt my butt. That guy looks pretty comfortable though. He’s just chilling, reading the sales circulars. He looks so relaxed he appears to be on the verge of dropping a Cleveland Steamer, but he forgot to take those mailman shorts off. That’s gonna be messy.

Okay. Looks comfy. I’ll take one. And I promise not to get so relaxed that I poop myself. It doesn’t have a tongue right? I’m not playing some weird fanny tickle game with my furniture.
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Nightmare Before Christmas Furniture

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

nightmare before christmas furnitureEtsy seller Raxfox sells a bunch of crazy cool furniture pieces that have crazy wavy lines and and fun colors. Go ahead and stare at some of the images in their shop and I swear they start to move and shimmy. It’s like decorating with LSD, but please, no licking the furniture. That’s usually frowned upon. The pieces that caught my eye were these Nightmare Before Christmas inspired pieces.

I should probably buy these. My furniture is a nightmare before, after and during Christmas. I guess that’s what happens when the ex wife comes over and does some hand detailing with an ax.

Look Sharp With A Porcupine Quill Mirror

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

porcupine mirrorOuch! Damn! Oh HOLY HELL! The blood is everywhere. Make the spurting stop. Dear God please! *passes out*

An hour later:

Ambulance guy 1: Passed out from blood loss.

Ambulance guy 2: How the hell did he think he was going to hang that on the wall safely?

Ambulance Guy 1: Is this guy’s name Caesar?

Ambulance guy 2: Huh? Oh, because he got stabbed so many times. Heh. Good one. Well, he ain’t hanging that thing up with his bloody nubs. Let’s get him out of here.

Me: Et tu, Etsy? *passes out again*

Pac-Man Coffee Table Made From Old VHS Tapes

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

pac-man vhs tableCheck out this awesome Pac-Man Coffee table. I’m gonna set my energy drink right there in the corner where the power pellet should be. Then when I drink it, I’mma go all crazy up in here and start chomping ghosts. And by ghosts, I mean Hot Pockets, because Hot Pockets is delicious.

I see what you did there, using the back of those VHS tapes as the dots. Pretty clever. Next time just crop your feet out da pic. I’m trying to enjoy a Pac-Man table and now all I can think about is that phantom foot. It’s like the 5th ghost. Does not belong! Anyway, it’s a pretty clever table. Take that $995. from my Waka Waka Wallet and deliver it pronto good seller.
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