Tag: magic

Dragon Wings For Adults

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Dragon Wings For AdultsWhoa! Pretty wings! These Dragon Wings For Adults are strong enough for a mannequin, but made for real living humans. They are beautiful and elegant… But enough about my strange fixation with mannequins. These wings are awesome. Imma get me a pair and have adventures and stuff. Only thing is, what is the weight limit on these? These things may or may not get me 6 inches off the ground. See, they call me Puff the Magic Dragon. Not cuz I’m a stoner, cuz I’m puffy and kinda fat. I do live by the sea though and frolic in the autumn mist. In a land called Sarah Lee. Effin’ love that cheesecake.

Just remember folks, dragon wings for adults beats adult diapers with wings. Whatever that means. Obviously I lied. You have to be a stoner to talk this kind of nonsense. Why am I even blogging? I could do this shizz in the street and actually have people throw money in a hat! Well, I’m off to my new gig. Laterz.

Hey, you think Knights gathered round a round table and ate dragon wings the way we eat chicken wings? Think about it. Seriously though, those mannequins right? Am I the only one who finds Dragon Barbie here, sexy? This Barbie looks kinda evil. And medieval. Probably drag me back to her Barbie Malibu Leech house and give me a bloodletting.

BTW is it really a bloodletting if you don’t let them, but they do it anyway?
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Book of Spells Altered Composition Notebook

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Book of Spells Altered Composition Notebook
This Book of Spells Altered Composition Notebook is not to be confused with The Book of Smells, which sounds like a cool scratch and sniff book, but really it’s just an old notebook I sat on one night when feeling gassy. And that’s how that book got it’s name. We keep it under a glass dome and try not to upset it.

No, I’m pretty sure this one helps you spell stuff, so your English teacher would approve. What? Really? It’s about magic spells? Sweet! Abra Cadabra, I just saw a Chupacabra! *Looks out my window* It worked! It worked!

Just Your Everyday Illuminati / Black Magic Teddy Bear Lamp

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Just Your Everyday Illuminati Black Magic Teddy Bear Lamp
Looky here. An Illuminati Teddy Bear Lamp. Also claims to be black magic. They also had Voodoo in their title. I’m surprised they didn’t mention Santeria. I had that once. I’m pretty sure it means having the runs during Christmas. Seriously though, this thing has some bad juju. I think they confused illuminati with illumination. Obvious mistake. Now ya got some half crazed devil teddy bear with a lamp on his head making you worship some freaky deity every night.

Hey, I don’t judge. You wanna have a scare-bear go for it. You won’t find this thing on my night stand. Don’t mess with the illuminati. Period. End of story, That’s all she wrote. Because a demon bear attacked her. Illuminati. As in Illumi-NOT-I. Ain’t gonna have it.

Click through for an image of a half crazed feline under it’s spell.
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Halloween Spell Books

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Halloween Spell Books
Ohhhhhh. Halloween Spell Books from HauntedMoonEmporium. I hope they have something that turns Necco Wafers into Kit-Kats cuz that really pisses me off. Reminds me of that one Halloween when I found a spell book by a hot cauldron and a pile of ashes with a witch hat on top. I remember it well:

*Re-reads the page.* Okay, it says to lay my hand flat and put a tootsie roll on each finger and on my palm. Alacashizz. Alacashat. By moonlight, by moonlight. The bat took a crap! *Blinding flash of light* Da fuq? *Turns my new tootsie roll hand around and inspects it.*

I was stuck with that damn candy hand for 2 years! Okay, I lied. It only lasted for like a week, cuz I kept sucking on it. Then my hand grew back. Witches. Who writes spells like that? Probably that weird homeless lady with the mole on her nose, who keeps stalking me and licking at her fingers. Something tells me our paths will cross again.
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Skull Potion Bottle Necklace

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Skull Potion Bottle Necklace
These Skull Potion Bottle Necklaces are like little pickled skulls that you want to just pick out with a tiny fork and put in your mouth. No? Just me? That’s not weird right? These things are potions that you hang around your neck. I don’t know. They restore your health and give you mana and stuff in case you’re fighting a boss monster.

I’m just assuming. I’ve never fought a boss monster. But I did get married once and it took a lot of potion to get past that beast. Potion made by a wizard named Jack Daniels.