Tag: jesus

Jesus And Germs Soap Dispenser

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Jesus And Germs Soap Dispenser
This Jesus And Germs Soap Dispenser says that we have to wash our hands and say our prayers because Jesus is everywhere. True that. He’s especially in those big buildings with the stained glass and pointy tops. Oh yeah, they’re called churches. Well if Jesus wanted me to wash my hands, he wouldn’t have turned all of that water into wine. That means he wants me to wash my hands with wine. Which means that wine is great for washing my insides free of germs and sin. Which in turn, is why I drink from my dad’s wine bottles and then top them off with vinegar. Last night my dad got real drunk, but smelled all feminine fresh.

Anywho, Jesus is everywhere. Even on this blog, shaking his head, but laughing at my antics. Dude loves me. I can get away with anything. Except for that hooker and the trunk full of blow incident last year. Trust me, Moses and the burning bush reads a whole new way after God smites you with a mega STD with crabs piled on top.

Jesus Sweater

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

http://www.dollskill.com/happy-birthday-jesus-sweater.html
Happy birthday Jesus. I got you this Jesus Sweater. But you already knew that. Yeah, I know it’s a little early, but I wanted to get this out of the way so I can celebrate Christmas with Santa. Dude gives me all the cool presents. You know how it is. We cool? Aight! Catch ya on the flip side. No, don’t worry ’bout it. Ain’t no bother for the holy father.

*Lightning flashes down and I evaporate into a pile of ash.*

Jesus Bandages

Artemis Winterford1 Comment

jesus bandages
These Jesus bandages better turn by bloody gash into wine, cuz I only have like a dollar. I’ll slap Jesus on my fresh wound on my arm, give him like 2 minutes, cuz miracles take time, then rip it off and start sucking that sweet nectar from myself.

*Spits blood everywhere!* What the hell JC! Great, now I’m a vampire.

Awesome Alien Embroidered Patches

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

alien embroidery
Are you a member of the mile high club? Let me ask a different way. Have you had an energy beam capture you and suck you up into the mothership, only to find yourself bent over a cold exam table and getting what those in the E.T. industry like to call “the business”? If you have, then yeah, you’re a member. Put some cream on that thing and get yourself some kick-butt alien patches from this Etsy shop.

These are for members only. They’re pretty funny. There’s an alien with a human head trophy, Jesus, an E.T. reading a “meat” recipe book with a human on the cover and one wearing a human for a scarf. These are gonna look sweet on that denim jacket I’ve been saving for when such things make a comeback. I think the time is right.
Read more “Awesome Alien Embroidered Patches”

Last Supper Clothing: Surprisingly Doesn’t Cost 30 Pieces Of Silver

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

last supper skirt and shirt
Dining with Jesus? Wear this Last Super Skirt and Dress! Hey Jesus. What up? Should be a good meal. Did you order yet? I hear the fries are awesome here. What? Nah, it’s just a dress. Doesn’t mean anything. Chill dude. How about turning my water into wine here?*gulp* Gotta be honest. Tastes more like vinegar.

Well it’s been a slice. Gotta go. Hey let me take care of the bill. No, it’s my pleasure. Passes some silver to the guy behind me.
Read more “Last Supper Clothing: Surprisingly Doesn’t Cost 30 Pieces Of Silver”