Tag: jewelry

Mr. T Starter Kit

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

mr t vintage gold chain necklace
I pity the fool don’t have no jewelry! I guess that means I pity myself since I pawned all of my jewelry after the A-Team was cancelled. Just didn’t have the heart to keep rocking that mohawk and wearing that bling if my main man T wasn’t on the scene.

Being a part of the Mr. T club can be expensive though. All of those gold chains cost a lot of cheddar. That’s why you need a Mr. T Starter Kit like this. It has everything you need for $36. and even arrives at your door gift wrapped in a classy purple Crown Royal liquor bag. Nice!

Big Honking Nose Necklace Pendant

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

nose pendant
Do you wear your heart on your sleeve? Wear a nose above your cleavage. Thanks to this Nose Necklace Pendant. I know that’s where I would be sniffing around if I was a pendant. It’s a pretty unique piece of jewelry. Until it catches a damn cold and then the woman wearing it is all, “I’ve been slimed” as she freaks out and tries to yank it from her neck.

Maybe you should just calm down and use that tissue paper that you stuff your bra with to clean up. That’s right, I know about that. I’ve been with enough “stuffers” to know. I can spot real breasts anywhere. Chicken or otherwise. Anyway, that’s the only downside I see with this pendant. Have fun Nostral-damus.
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Stretchy Grilled Cheese Necklace

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

grilled cheese necklace
This is the kind of Krafting I can fully support. See what I did there? As in Kraft cheese. Let me just warn you all that I am a grilled cheese animal. If you are wearing this Stretchy Grilled Cheese Necklace in my presence, I will bite at it and lick your neck like it’s our first date, because technically it will be.

You get a hickey or two, I lose a tooth or two. Seems like a fair trade to me. I’ll calm down once I realize that’s a fake gooey grilled cheese. Hopefully you’ll calm down before a restraining order is necessary.

This Veins and Arteries Necklace Set Is A Real Pain In The Neck

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

veins and arteries necklace
Whoa! This Veins and Arteries Necklace Set makes it look like you have some serious blood problems, because everyone can see your veins.

You’re so vein. You probably think this post is about you. Don’t you? Don’t you? Don’t you?

This 2 necklace set puts your insides on your outside. Not for me though. Veiny days and Mondays always get me down. And that’s all of the music jokes I’m writing today, because you young whippersnappers won’t even get it. Seriously. Listen to some music from before you were born once in a while. I practice what I preach. Which is why I have an old-timey wax cylinder record player with a giant cone for a speaker. Got a date with a flapper tonight too. Hoping to get all dirty and nasty up in this hizzouse and see some ankle.

Jabba The Hutt Necklace

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

star wars jabba the hut necklace
This Jabba the Hutt Necklace is for all of you ladies who don’t have a fat slug weighing them down in real-life. You know, some slob playing the PS4 all day or playing with action figures while you go out and earn a living. Obviously my wife doesn’t need this. She has her own.

*Pops a toad in my mouth and yanks her closer on her chain for a kiss. Gets strangled.* I guess playing with my Rancor is out of the question?