Oh Oh Oh It’s magic… A cutty, stabby, knifey kind of magic. The Sharp Act Knife Sharpener turns knife sharpening into a magic act. Hey, look at me, I’m sharpening my giant steak knife like I’m David Copperfield. OWWWWW! Just cut myself and that wasn’t part of the act. For my next trick, I’m going to the ER to get stitches and since I’m not insured, I’ll make all of my money disappear. It’s magic!
But at least I have a sharp knife.
Unicorns Are Jerks. It’s true. Look at me. I’m so special and magical. Little girls love me and have me on their walls. Aren’t I all mysterious and magical? No, your not. You’re a jerk and this coloring book proves it. As soon as I improve my technique and stay within the lines, I’m gonna show all of my friends and then they’ll know what jerks you guys are.
This coloring book has eighteen examples of unicorns being the jerkiest jerks that ever jerked. Like texting in theaters, farting in elevators, eating your leftovers. Wait! I just realized that I’m a jerk. So I must be a unicorn. Well, I am feeling horny. I do like glitter. I also tend to poop rainbows after I eat a full bag of skittles.
Later peepz. I’m off to find my own kind and live in the land of jerkiness. Also, now I’m hungry for beef jerky.
And you wanna be my latex salesmen? This 9 Shades Of George Costanza Pillow shows 9 of George’s most famous scenes from Seinfeld. Much like this blog, it’s a show about nothing.
There are 9 squares of George, with not a square to spare. You can get it as a pillow, an art piece, a pair of leggings, a tote bag, whatever. Having 9 Shades Of George Costanza around your house is kind of like having me there with you. We both know you picture me as short, fat and balding. Don’t deny it. I really don’t look like him. It’s the shrinkage! Shrinkage!
So many Seinfeld references, so little time. I do wear the manzier though. It’s just comfy.
Make your shower rad and awesome with this 3D Printed T-REX Skull Shower Head. There’s no manlier shower than one that simulates a T-Rex spew-puking all over you. To get you clean of course. Look how sharp those teeth are. If this thing bit me I would be super sore? *How sore?* Dino-sore! Obviously.
I would install this thing in my shower and paint a body behind it so I could get the full effect. Then I would make it so it looks like his stubby T-Rex arms are holding my soap and shampoo. Clean me T-Rex! Clean me! Suds are your enemy! Clean the species who now own this planet and behold our majesty! Arrggggggghhhhh! Who flushed the toilet?
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Your purse is a guppy! This purse is a shark! Embrace the shark ladies! This Open Mouth Shark Purse is hungry and waiting for all of your lady stuff. No, that didn’t sound right. I mean, like your lipsticks, eyeliner and whatever else you ladies keep in your purses. Wear it during shark week.
Just like a real shark’s mouth, everything disappears forever once it goes into a purse. I don’t know how many times my phone number has mysteriously disappeared when a woman sticks it in her purse. I’m gonna need a bigger note. Get it? Jaws. Need a bigger boat? Oh whatever. Of course, that was before cell phones. Which are now the new shark. Oh, sorry my phone ate your number. Do you want it again? Uh, no.