Tag: novelty

Mr. T Starter Kit

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

mr t vintage gold chain necklace
I pity the fool don’t have no jewelry! I guess that means I pity myself since I pawned all of my jewelry after the A-Team was cancelled. Just didn’t have the heart to keep rocking that mohawk and wearing that bling if my main man T wasn’t on the scene.

Being a part of the Mr. T club can be expensive though. All of those gold chains cost a lot of cheddar. That’s why you need a Mr. T Starter Kit like this. It has everything you need for $36. and even arrives at your door gift wrapped in a classy purple Crown Royal liquor bag. Nice!

Skeleton Playing Cards

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skeleton playing cards
I don’t know about you, but when I’m playing a game of poker, I like to see the bony innards of various critters. Like a Komodo Dragon, maybe a Roadrunner. This set of Skeleton Playing Cards has many more sets of bones, all on 52 poker-sized cards. These cards were created by the American museum of Osteology. I have no idea what that means, other than the fact that it’s fancy talk for going to college for like 8 years to play with animal bones and act like you’re not a freak

My dog plays with bones and he never had any college. In fact he flunked out of obedience school. And he licks his butt just like anyone else.
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I’m Speeding Because I Have To Poop Key Ring

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speeding because i have to poop keychain
What seems to be the problem here officer?

You were doing 70 mph in a 10 mph school zone.

*Presents I’m Speeding Because I Have To Poop Key Ring*

You a funny guy?

Sometimes, but right now I’m prairie doggin’ it like crazy.

Can I see your license and registration- What in the name of god is that smell? Is there a dead corpse in the trunk?

*Reaches in back pocket for my now butt-mud covered wallet. Offers it to the officer with butt-mud covered fingers*

*Cop gags and retches. Covers his mouth with a cloth.* I’ve seen a lot in my career, but you sir are a disgusting human being! Get the hell out of here and get yourself checked for something dead inside you!

*On the road again. Looks at key chain* Well, that didn’t help!

Grow Your Own Hairy Beaver

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

grow your own hairy beaver
Grow Your Own Hairy Beaver like it’s the 70s. Well, maybe not THAT hairy. People were crazy back then. This cool pet for your desk will have everyone wanting to look at and pet your beaver. “That’s filthy!” says some woman in Montana as she thumps her bible. But I guarantee you one thing. She wants to touch it. It’s just gardening after all.

Just put your beaver into the watering bowl and cover it with grass seeds. Then watch as your beaver gets nice and bushy. Trim your beaver. Give it a mohawk, whatever you want.
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Wig Head Vase

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wig head vase
Wig out with the Wig Head Vase. It will let you make funny hairdos out of your flowers and plants. It’s basically like an upscale Chia Pet. Sure, you could use these head vases to decorate your house, but I would use ’em different, cuz I’m a rebel like that.

I would arrange all my plants on the mannequin head there and then glue them all to the head. Wait two hours. Then peel them all off and wear it my own damn self. Cuz these hairdos look good.