Nanananananana Bat Packkkkk! Every day is free bat-hug day with this batpack. It’s a cross between a stuffed animal, a backpack and a shawl. It has a large pocket and in the lining is a secret pocket. It puts a bat all up in your belfry.
This shizz bat-poop crazy! You’ll always be winging it with this accessory.
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Well, I’ve gotten to know these guys so well, it’s nice to be able to put a face with the names. Hello Syphilis. Hello Herp! I wish I could say it’s been awhile, but it’s only been like 2 weeks. You’re taller in person when you’re not making me itch and burn.
*Grabs giant tube of cream and squirts it all over them before shoving them both in a chest and slamming the lid down hard.* NOW I have you both under control! And my doctor said it was impossible! I’m taking these guys to my new girlfriend. I was going to give them to her anyway.
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This nightmare on eight legs is a Horrifying Spider Doll. The seller calls it Wilson the Wolf Spider. I call it, “Kill it! Kill it now!” It’s making me all itchy so I just sprayed like a case full of Raid all over my house. Which is why I have red welts all over my body and am having a hard time breathing. At least I’m not worried about hallucinating, since I have already seen this nightmare. What could be worse?
Uh, that crazy gnome with the grasshopper face and the serial killer knife, comes pretty close. I don’t like how his lower half is a praying mantis, sharpening a second knife on it’s legs….
Update: It’s an hour later. I jumped out of my window and let the place air out. Woke up in the garden. It’s much better now. It’s down to insecticide level 2, which means that the circus troop of flaming monkees now dancing around my living room should be about done. No, I did not misspell monkees. It really is the fake TV band from the 60s!
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The spider babies are coming! The spider babies are coming! This is gonna require some king sized fly swatters! Like those huge wood spatulas they use for getting pizza out of the oven. Bring out your biggest boots and start stomping. These hairy-backed and baby-headed Spider Baby Plush Toys from scrumptiousdelight are pure nightmare fuel.
*Sees baby in a stroller all swaddled up in a blanket. baby head and top hat sticking out.* Awwww. Aren’t you a cute baby. Is that 8 ribs I see under your blanky-wanky? *Opens blanket. Sees eight legs.* SPIDER BABY! *Runs away screaming. Web hits me in the back. Spins me into a cocoon.*
*Wakes up an hour later on the sidewalk next to rows of other cocooned humans.* Spider baby? Me too. I hate spider babies!
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Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. Okay, these Hamburger Couch Pillows don’t have all of those things, but they come close. I would lay in this pile of pillows all day long, using the cheese as a blanket. Cuz I’m smart like that. And I’m already covered in cheese most days anyway.
*Looks down at yellow/orange shirt. Peels shirt off of my skin and starts eating it* Mmmmm. Still tastes like pepperoni! Why would I start the day off with a shirt when I knew I was gonna drip cheese all over myself anyway? What you call lazy, I call multitasking.
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