Phrenology is the study of… Yeah, I’m at a loss. It’s your personality based on the shape of your head or something. I have no idea. What is a Phren anyway? A phren is a phren, right till the end. Put her there phren. I’ll see you later. I have to go consult a head about my life. I think it might be a map to buried treasure that aliens implanted in my brain. Plus, I’m gonna get this vintage phrenology head just cuz it looks cool.
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Author: Artemis Winterford
Milton Moondust Is A Real Lunar-Tic
Meet Milton Moondust. His head is made of cheese. Sometimes people land on it. This makes him sad. It also makes him sad that I just pointed and laughed and called him “Crater-face”. He probably has alien bases on the dark side of his head. NASA has pictures, but they’re covering it up. I guess aliens on his head would be considered moon-cooties. Poor Milton.
Wine Coffin Display
This Wine Coffin Display lets you display your wine in style. Break this baby open and drink up. Pretty soon you will be seeing the dead. Would you like some wine? But of corpse! The seller also says that you can display a doll inside, but a doll never got you blind stinking drunk, so I’ll go with the wine. Gonna drink until I’m embalmed with sweet wine and when I’m gone you can bury my liver in this coffin. It worked hard to get me where I am after all.
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Zipper Eyes Temporary Tattoos
These Zipper Eyes Temporary Tattoos make it look like your eyes have zippers attached. I’ve never seen a woman who looks like this, but I have seen women desperately try to zip their eyes closed to no avail or hide under their hoodie so they wouldn’t have to date me. It’s a common defense against my nerd mating ritual. Zip that flesh back up girl, your exposed flesh is going to get cold. Mind if I call you Zippy? Ever go zip-lining? Oh BTW XYZ. That means Examine Your Zipper! Also, your fly is down. Your eye-fly. Haha.
I got a million zipper jokes. Minus one. Cuz it ain’t no joke when your Wing-Wang gets caught in in zipper teeth. And that’s why the zippers on my jeans are painted on. That’s not gonna happen to me again. A cat may have nine lives, but my wiener only has one.
I guess I got off track like an old zipper. Which is what I call an elderly guy in a bike race, but that’s beside the point. The point is, these temporary tattoos are cool. Also I find it sexy, cuz I’m strange. *Channels Whitney Houston and sings* Unzip my heartttttt! Say you’ll love me again…
‘They Live’ Donald Trump Mask
No matter what you think of Donald Trump and his bid to be president, I think we can all agree that all of these guys are psychopaths, aliens and reptiles. It’s all about the new world order and the illuminati making us slaves and taking over the world. Which reminds me, I need to make a new tin-foil hat tonight, but all I have is Saran-Wrap.
Anyway, this ‘They Live’ Donald Trump Mask exposes one of the corporate elite for what they really are. A formaldehyde faced freak that just wants you to consume, obey, and stay asleep. Well, I’m not sleeping. I’m wide awake. Do you hear me? I’m wide awake and coming for you- Ohhhh! Dancing With The Stars is on. I’m off to make some popcorn!