Author: Artemis Winterford

Skull Lip Balm

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Skull Lip Balm
Chapped lips? Grab this Skull Lip Balm. It’s the balm. I ain’t giving you no lip… service. I don’t know you that well. See what I did there? All other lip balms seem boring compared to this. Every time you rub it against your lips it will look like you are sampling a tint skulls brains, which I consider a bonus. So moisten those lips on a skull.

The bottom of this lip balm is embossed w/ the quotation: “Be all my sins remember’d” from Hamlet. See, it will help you remember all of your sins too.

Weird Art: Don’t Take Candy From A Blind Witch

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Weird Art Don't Take Candy From A Blind Witch
Just don’t. She’s blind, so there’s no telling what she’s gonna give ya. Maybe a tootsie roll with dog hair stuck to it. Maybe a lollipop with a cigarette butt. Why would you trust a blind witch as your candy source?

Maybe she melted the lollipop and used it’s molten sugar to wax her chin hair, then re-melted it and gave it to you. What are you stupid? Just don’t do it. Heed the weird art my brothas and sistas!

Creepy And Cuddly Poppet Pillow Toys

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Creepy And Cuddly Poppet Pillow Toys
Full disclosure. I have no idea what a poppet is, but I’m pretty sure it’s what the doctor removed from my rear. Rectum? No he destroyed ’em! Hahahaha. That’s a little butt humor right there. I apologize. I kept saying. Poppet! Just poppet!

Anyway… These Creepy And Cuddly Poppet Pillow Toys from doctormorose will look great in your home or mortuary. Say, isn’t that where Mort lives? That’s what mom used to say. That trip made me sad in my heart. Mort was not there. Only death. *Shudders*
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Vampire Costume For Babies

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Vampire Costume For Babies
This Vampire Costume For Babies will turn your little bundle of joy into a well dressed blood sucker. College usually does the same thing, but why wait? You won’t believe your little ray of sunshine after you put this on him. He’ll be drinking from a blood red bottle, adverse to sunlight and may even turn into a bat as he escapes his huggies. What a cute little scamp-pire.

Until he tries to bite your neck at feeding time. It’s all good though. Could be worse. He could be the Wolfman. Baby Wolfmen leave hair everywhere. And whole chicken carcasses.

The Toothpaste Purse

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The Toothpaste Purse
This toothpaste purse is way better than the one I made. That will be $8.39 sir. I think I have some change. Here we go. Never mind all of the goo. That’s just Crest, I promise. It will keep your cash register minty fresh. *Puts toothpaste purse back in my pocket. Sees the gooey white mess all over my pants.* That’s not good. This situation has a police car ride all over it. This is why I never DIY, cuz I DIW(Do It Wrong). No, don’t call the manager. I’ll put the condoms back. See, this isn’t weird at all.