Category: Creep Wear

Extraterrestrial Jewelry: Crop Circle Pendant

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crop circle jewelry
Not content with ruining our fields with their crop circle shenanigans, despite several farmers yelling for them to get off their land, the extraterrestrials have now taken to making crop circle jewelry. Apparently by focusing a bunch of new age energy and channeling it through this Etsy seller.

The Crop Circle Pendant Has Arrived on your Planet Today through Skydin Zeal’s Constant Communication with the Enlightened Portion of the Universe’s Celestial Guides!

Oh cool. Thank’s for the delivery and the colorful new age pamphlet that smells like incense.
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Own The Night: Bat Pajama Costume

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bat pajama costume
Every night will be an adventure with this Bat Pajama costume. My wife will be all like “Hey stop hitting me with your flappy wings. And your ear just poked my eye!”

I’ll be all like “Eeek. Eeeek. Eeeek.” Followed by more intense wing flapping action. Then I’ll bite her neck and fly off in a puff of smoke to sleep upside down in the doorway. Until I sleep so deep that I fall and hit my head anyway. Although she may get up to pee before that ever happens, because her bladder is as active as my wings. In which case, I’ll get punched in the gut and THEN fall and hit my head. Then I’ll have to use my sonar to find the couch.

Star Trek Diapers: Poop, The Final Frontier

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star trek baby diaper
Poop: The Final Frontier. I should get a pair of these, since every woman in my life calls me a man-baby and I do like to cosplay as Captain Picard. Doody-free preferably. I like my number one on the bridge. In the chair next to me. With a beard. Not in a saggy diaper that leaks and gives me a rash. Make it so!

I like my number two shot out of the photon torpedo tubes so it can freeze and twirl and spin before breaking into a million pieces against that Ferengi ship off the port bow.

“Any Klingons Number One?”

“Not a one sir. It all just broke on impact. Not a single bit clinged-on.” *Sly grin*

*Picard grins back. Sits back in the chair.*

Data looks perplexed.

Worf Sighs.

“Our work here is done. Engage!”

End episode!
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Christmas Ornaments For Your Beard

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beard christmas ornaments
That No Shave November really paid off. Now it’s December and I have a huge ZZ Top beard that smells like Doritos which small birds like to nest in. Imma decorate this whisker bush for Christmas thanks to Beard Baubles!

Anyone know where I can get a star for the top of my head? I’m looking for something that will turn me into a festive Manicorn. I might string some lights around those ornaments too and get a necklace full of presents.

Butt Ugly Light Up Christmas Sweater

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butt ugly christmas sweaterEverybody is wearing their ugly Christmas sweaters, but I’m gonna do them one better and get this Butt Ugly Christmas sweater. It has some really nice detail with all of that squiggly butt-hair and those butt-zits.

This will be a hit at the family Christmas party. It will really “crack” them up. I don’t mind. I’m always the butt of their jokes.