Category: Just Plain Weird

Losing My Religion… and My Lunch – Infected Crucifix

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Losing My Religion... and My Lunch - Infected Crucifix
If you have an Infected Crucifix like this in your church, you really have a health hazard. Would it kill ya to at least spray some Windex on everything, oh I don’t know, once a century? Cuz I know the bacteria and germs on this thing WILL kill ya. This will be the first time ever that a priest has to be called in to perform an exorcism on the cross itself. Actually, I’m pretty sure this is the cross that creates all demons and bad things in this world, while also smelling putrid, like the puss smell of a thousand zitty butts, when all the zits burst at the same time. Lunch? You lost it.

This piece really grosses me out. Why have you shown me this lord? Why have you cast my eyes upon this? What is the message?

*Booming voice* Because you have an infection you idiot!

Oh….

Is it my weiner? Please don’t let it be my weiner.

Waaaa waaaa waaaa. This is the thanks I get for trying to warn you? Nothing but complaining! NOW it is your weiner!

Oh boy! Starting to feel the burn. Is it too late for some hail marys and a confession?

Horror Bunnies – Rabid Rabbits and Horrible Hares

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Horror Bunnies - Rabid Rabbits and Horrible Hares
Etsy seller TheNaughtyRabbit knows exactly why she’s been naughty. She keeps eating the carrots out of my garden. But I’ll get that wascally wabbit. These Horror bunnies are horrible. Terrible. You might say Hare-rible. They’re rabbits and horror characters in one. You can choose from The Addams Family, Michael Myers, Creature from the Black Lagoon and many more. Even Krampus. If I see these things in my yard, I’m moving. I’ll have to take a plane out of O’Hare. See what I did there? I know these guys are gonna put a hit out on the Easter bunny and make Easter more like Halloween.
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3D Freddy Krueger Bookmarks

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3D Freddy Krueger Bookmarks
Freddy comes out of your dreams and into your book with these cool 3D Freddy Krueger Bookmarks. You best not shred the pages with your knife hands Freddy. I got one more chapter to go and this shizz is getting intense. I don’t wanna miss the climax, like my peener so often does. Apparently, his eyes and mouth glow, so you can find your book in the dark and then read it under the sheets with a flashlight cuz it’s a dirty book, full of dirty girls.
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Tentacles and Teeth Pocket Watch

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Tentacles and Teeth Pocket Watch
Let me see what time it is. I don’t want to be late for- DEAR EFFING GOD! This Tentacles and Teeth Pocket Watch won’t give you the time, but it might give you a heart attack. What time is it guv-ner? You dare ask me for the time you timeless cretin? Here let me show you. *Guy screams and holds his head.* There’s the time! It’s teeth and tentacle time! Look closer! It’s half past horror and a quarter to insanity! Now off with you, before I show you the alarm function!

If this watch takes a licking,but keepson ticking, it can die,cuz I ain’t lickin’ that.

Danse Macabre Pillow Set

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Danse Macabre Pillow Set
Haha they spelled dance wrong. Sucker. This Danse Macabre Pillow Set is pretty cool. My only question is, is it pronounced mac-cob or mac-cob-bre? Nevermind, I don’t care. I say mac-cob. Like corn on the mac-cob. Or a mac-cob salad. Or Chupa-mac-cob-ra, the mythical goat sucker! I’m right and that’s all that matters. Anyway, this pillow set is great. Won’t give me nightmares at all to know that this death dance is happening right behind my head. Even though there’s a skeleton band playing loud music.

Anyhow, I gotta go. Time to dance macabre! *Turns on some funky disco and does the funky chicken dance on my way out the door, clucking and flexing my wings.* OW! Hit my elbow on the doorknob! OW! OW! OW! Hit my elbow on the wall. Also tripped over my shoes and now I need an ambulance. It really is the dance of death.
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