Category: Just Plain Weird

Alien Carjackers Sculpture

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

carjackingI’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You can’t trust an alien. They will steal your car and go for a joy ride. Like the honey badger, they just don’t care. This sculpture shows them stealing a 1929 Ford Model A in the middle of the New Mexico desert as they make their escape from military personnel.

I hear ya. “But they were just escaping”.

Oh, so they don’t like getting poked and prodded huh? Neither do human rectums! I hope they blasted that car out of existence. Bitter? Yeah I’m bitter. And butt-hurt too. Take my advice. Never let them lure you into a UFO by dangling a Snickers on a stick. I really wanted to believe that levitating candy would be magical and sparkly. It was going to grant me the power of flight. *tears* Boy was I wrong.

Oh look. A Kit-Kat attached to fishing line. Gotta go. I’m off to chase the dream. That better not be you Bigfoot.
Read more “Alien Carjackers Sculpture”

One Of A Kind Black Bear Bench: Does A Bear Sit In The Woods?

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

bear benchWhat’s this grizzly sight? Now you can sit on a bench with a bear to the left of you and a bear to the right. That’s some high octane bear power right there. Do I want this bench? Does a bear sit in the woods? Yes. Yes he does. And he sits with me because we are best buds. We’ll be sharing honey pots and passing around the tasty tree grubs. Catching fish with our bear hands. Good times.

That’s how I picture my bear adventure, but you and I both know that in reality this is just a bear butt-urinal, with you in the middle. Why else would bears park themselves on each side. These guys are each taking a massive and when they are done, they will climb out, leaving you in a toxic fog.

No friggin’ way I’m buying this bench.
Read more “One Of A Kind Black Bear Bench: Does A Bear Sit In The Woods?”

Metal Dog Sculpture With Hanging Metal Nads

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

metal dogWhat is it with Ebay sellers taking horrible pictures of their items? Everybody is using the glaucoma filter. I had to smoke up for medicinal purposes while looking at this listing. Didn’t help. But my eyesight drastically improved when I left the page.

Anyway, this is a metal dog some dude got for his 50th birthday. It has metal nads. Now he is selling it. Probably because there’s only so many times you can walk by and grab ’em for luck. He feels weird now. And rightly so. Now you can be that guy for just $280.
Read more “Metal Dog Sculpture With Hanging Metal Nads”

Uskulls Are Full Of Junk, Just Like Your Real Skull

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

uskullUskulls are clear skulls like that one in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull movie that sucked, but they have your stuff inside.

Hoarder: I wish I could store as much crap in my head as I do in my rat-infested home.

Uskull rep: Now you can. Introducing Uskull. It’s you. In a skull. Have crap? We will put it in a clear skull, so that you can display said crap among your other knick knacks. It will compliment your piles of moth-eaten newspaper and also goes well with rat turds and cat corpses. Only $375.
Read more “Uskulls Are Full Of Junk, Just Like Your Real Skull”

Wormbaby Caterpillar Babies

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Wormbaby Caterpillar BabiesIs it creepy or cute? Beats me. I only know that I was infested with wormbabies one time and it was a nightmare to get rid of them. If you don’t catch them quick, they use their soft-serve pointy heads to attach themselves to objects and form a cocoon. Then they turn into mothbabies and start eating holes in your clothes.

That’s probably why my clothes have so many holes in them. It doesn’t help that when I drop food on my shirt, I suck out the stain like a vampire. You can’t let all of that mac and cheese MSG go to waste. It’s like Bill Compton going to town on Sooky Stackhouse. Or Eric Northman. Or those other 10 guys. Sooky, you is a tramp. *Does the Lafayette finger snap and saunters away swaying my hips*
Read more “Wormbaby Caterpillar Babies”