Category: Just Plain Weird

Haunted House Black Beeswax Candle

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

haunted house candleThis haunted house candle made from beeswax will let you do something you’ve always wanted to do. Burn down a haunted house and send the ghouls back to their ever lovin’ hell. When you get to the bottom of the candle and it’s nothing but a gooey pile of waxy rubble, you can be all like, “Haha ghosts. Now what are you gonna haunt?” *You* “Wait. What?” *How did you think it worked?*

“I can reshape this beeswax in no time. Just give me like 4 hours.” *Why 4 hours?* “I have kind of an attention deficit problem. I was gonna play Mario Kart, but then I pet a cat, then noticed the internet. That reminded me about Minecraft and a few hours later, I looked up, saw the candle and lit it because…fire.” *Booming voice* MORON *whoooooosh* *curtains lift in the breeze*

Well, there’s another ghost successfully banished. Out you pixies go, through the door or out the window. Oh look, a cat video.
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Barstool Racer: Drinking And Driving Optional

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

bar stool racerThis sweet barstool racer starts at $99.99. Too bad it will end without a bid. Because you know, it’s tough to sit on a barstool and drink, while driving at the same time. Plus, where ya gonna go besides your own back yard? Where the neighbors will watch your crazy antics. Especially if you install a wood side table, so you can have some peanuts or pretzels. It’s the full bar experience on the move.

I’m going to the bar. *vroom vroom* Dig me out of the neighbor’s bush in like 2 hours. I don’t care how that sounds.

Rear Gear Butt Covers For Your Pet

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

butt stickersStickers. To hide your pets puckered pooper. Because sphincters are just unsightly. Apply to any butt that you want to make prettier. I’m definitely getting me some of these. My cat thinks it’s funny to stick it’s butt in my face every night.

One night I woke up from a crazy dream and what I thought was my Aunt Bee’s puckered and withered lips were reaching toward me for a kiss. I’m a good boy so I kissed her. Nope. Wasn’t Aunt Bee. Was just my cat’s exhaust pipe. How was I to know? Her kisses were always sloppy and wet too.

Speak & Math Becomes Crazy Freakenspeak Dragon: Talks In Alien Voices

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speak and mathSpeak & Math. I may never have mastered it, but I get by just fine. Aside from the occasional cashier taking advantage of me and the occasional $40 dollar pizza. Like they say, they aren’t trying to rip me off. It’s just inflation. Anywho, This sweet Speak & Math has been turned into a “Freakenspreak Dragon”. Only something this badass could finally teach me some math skills.

Etsy seller ARTSTRUMENTS has mutated this Speak & Math and turned it into a crazy dragon that plays freaky sounds and alien voices. Click through for a crazy impressive list of the features.
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Custom Monster Rug: Wipe Your Feet, Then Count Your Toes

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

monster rugThis custom monster rug is going to look sweet in my D and D themed nerd castle. I’m gonna tell people I killed it myself, with a buffed-up Dwarven bow and an invisibility ring. Phaw. Wasn’t even wearing the ring. Etsy seller DarkKnitsEtsy will make it custom, however you like. Then all you have to do is act like you were tough enough to bring the best down and impress your friends.

It already has a strip going down the back that makes it look like it was run over with a moped. Which in fact is a far more likely method of me killing a fierce beast.
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