Tag: candles

Severed Finger Candles

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Severed Finger Candles
These Severed Finger Candles will be perfect for any birthday cake that you want to give the finger to. Give it several fingers cuz you don’t give a f**k. I stared at this image of candles for like an hour already cuz someone flipped me off today behind a fence and I was trying to pick it out of a lineup. There! I finger that one.

If you will excuse me, I have to go now. I have a date with some finger food just as soon as I buy it with my five finger discount. Hopefully they won’t finger me in a police lineup. That sounded dirty. I apologize. Police only do that in dirty movies. Anyway, I give these candles 2 middle fingers up. It’s the highest honor I can bestow on them.

Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark Candles

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Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark Candles
These Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark Candles will remind you to tell some scary stories when the power goes out. I’m only gonna be concerned with one story. The story about how I forgot to pay the power bill cuz I had to buy the new Star Wars figures this month. Let that be a lesson to you kids.

Thank god I only have a pint of curdled milk in the fridge. That was already bad. I think this is based on that Scary stories book by the same name. I have no idea. I scare way to easily. I mean I’m scared of reading. Because I have a powerful imagination. Reading may be fundamental, but to me it’s just mental. Uh-oh. Just conjured up a giant rabbit with fangs in my closet. I’ll be sleeping with my Teenage Mutant Ninja Toads nightlight tonight. Yeah toads. Mom bought the fifty cent knock-off version.

The X-Files Saint Scully and Saint Mulder Prayer Candle Set

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The X-Files Saint Scully and Saint Mulder Prayer Candle Set
These X-Files Saint Scully and Saint Mulder Prayer Candles will help to insure that your prayers reach them and aren’t intercepted by grey aliens. You know how it is when you pray to Saint Scully and Saint Mulder. Mulder wants to believe so he’ll listen to anything, but Sculley is a skeptic so she’s the one you really have to convince.

Tell them all of your darkest secrets and throw your prayers their way. I’m gonna ask for a ride on a UFO and a sweet conspiracy adventure where I can’t trust anyone. I’m already with the feds. No really. I’m a F-emale B-ody I-nspector.

Haunted Candle Set

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haunted candles
I hate these haunted candles. I always wind up in a staring contest with them, which only ends when the wax melts down and burns their eyeballs. Or mine. I guess I shouldn’t stand so close. Some people never learn.*Checks my scalp burns on my bald head. Hey I have some stubble now. Cool.*

Look at how surprised they look that their head is on fire. That’s the same face I made. That’s also the face I’m making right now. Prairie-doggin’ it something fierce. I’m out guys. I’ll probably make that face one more time when I discover we are out of toilet paper. Yep. Just happened.
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Weird Scented Crying Candles

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Weird Scented Crying Candles
These Scented Crying Candles look like they’re crying when lit inside of their decorative bases. Crybaby! Cry candle! Go ahead and cry for your mommy! Ya dingus!

These candles make me sad. Not really. I like having somebody to bully by candle light. Wipe those tears ya pansy! *Crying myself. Talking all raspy in cry-voice.* It’s what daddy used to say to me. So shut up. Crybaby. You don’t even know….

Syke. *Points and laughs at candle.* Quit yer crying Jon Cryer. You cry so much you’re like a Terminator from Cry-berdyne? Are you Cry-net, trying to take over the world with tears?
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