Tag: gamer

Octopus Gamer Print

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Octopus Gamer Print
This Octopus has game! He’s kickin’ it old school playing Nintendo. This Octopus Gamer Print will help you to remember that Octopus are cool and also that they will kick your butt in a game of Super Mario Bros. That’s probably because they squirt ink in your face every time you get the high score. I hate it when they do that. That’s why Octopi are my gaming enemies.

Octopus,
Octopi,
You spit ink into the wrong effin eye.

I’ll beat you fair,
I’ll beat you square.
I’ll beat you in my underwear.

I challenge you to Mario Karts,
Let’s see if you can withstand my gamer farts.

For I have Cheetos,
And I have Mountain Dew.
Now the very air, it smells like poo.

You have passed out and I have the high score.
I celebrate and show you the door.

I bid you good day you tentacled freak,
Now back inside to sit in my reek.

I said Good Day sir!

Custom Gamecube Purse

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Gamecube Purse
This Custom Gamecube Purse is perfect if your name is Princess Zelda or Princess Peach. Also if you want to be able to cave some guy’s skull in when they try to steal your purse. I say, if a woman is going to wear a Gamecube purse, she should at least let a nerd like me plug my controller into her port, but then again, I’ll use any excuse to both talk to a woman and to plug my controller in her port.

Why isn’t it working? You are my dream woman, but where’s your screen? I have to say I’m very disappointed.

Gamer Wedding Cake Toppers

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gamer wedding cake topper
Look at these guys. Getting dragged away from their video game crack habit. These Gamer Wedding Cake Toppers let you know right at the wedding that your gaming days are over. Suckers. The first step in not getting married is to avoid women. Period. Step one will help you to avoid women’s periods too. Sure, we all have an urge to spend time with the fairer sex, but that’s what rescuing Princess Peach is all about. What I’m saying is, they can’t trap you into a video game-less marriage if you stay inside and play video games all day.

Take it from me. That’s just how I roll. Of course the only downside is being 30 and having your MOM drag you away from the video games. And up the basement stairs. And paddling your backside, but that’s a whole other story. That really sucks. If you haven’t seen actual sunlight in a few weeks, that shizz hurts your eyeballs! Not to mention your heinie. Happened to me last week!
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Board Game Made of Weirdness

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Board Game Of WeirdnessEtsy seller Fauncy wants to create a special board game just for you. Something weird and similar to this one seen here. I would totally rule at this board game. First, I would choose to use the Monopoly Thimble, cuz you know, that’s manly as s*it. Then I roll and move 4 spaces and totally roll a critical hit against that stone golem spider.

Even if I broke my wizard’s staff, it would be worth it, because I would search it’s dead body and take it’s fangs so I could make some sweet spider-daggers. That’s handy for later, when I turn against the other players and slash them. You been poisoned son! Spider teeth just made you drop like 200 gold. Deal wid it!

Then I would land on the spot that lets me drink that awesome potion. Wizard juice is on da loose! Tastes like gatorade, but don’t care. My health is at maximum even if my sobriety took a -8. That sweet nectar of arcane wizardry is a moment on the lips and a lifetime on the hips. Literally. I’m now a pear shaped old woman under my wizard robes. Damn you vile Trickster Elixir of Old Maidenhood! Don’t matter. I’m about to fight a dinosaur son!

Rolling for my attack of melt-flesh. Damn that drink made me f***ed up! The dice falls out of my hand just as my staff fizzles and makes a fart noise! Damn you potion. Stupid T-Rex grabs me in it’s teeth and breaks me in half. Luckily, my top half crawls away as it is devouring my lower half.

I slash at my fellow players with my spider-dagger as they pass me and watch them die one by one. Ha! The game is mine. Blood loss. Sight failing. Mumble. *No one wins…*
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