Hey Spruce what up? Everybody, this is Spruce The Sasquatch Doll. Spruce, this is everybody. Now mingle. I’ll get the drinks. So Spruce, why are you named after a tree? Or is because you like to clean the house? You know, sprucing things up a bit? I kid. I kid. Speaking of kids, where’s your daddy Bigfoot? I guess even you don’t have sightings since he’s behind on child support. Zing! Burn! And why do you look like my grandmother? Are we related? I know we have the same amount of chest hair. Not to mention the same caveman IQ.
Tag: strange
These Junk Food Purses Are Making Me Hungry
If I had a purse, and I don’t, I would keep all of my junk food in it. What about that bag you carry around with you? That’s not a purse. That’s a laptop bag. Don’t you keep your chapstick in there? You shut up. You shut your fat mouth. You sound pretty emotional. Do you have any menstrual pads in there? Shut up! You hear me? Here, have a Snickers bar. You are a real diva when you get hungry. Thanks. *Om nom nom* Turns back into Steve Buscemi.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Me, Steve Buscemi, really digs these purses. I think you will too. They’re junk food, but also purses. I don’t carry a purse, but if I did- You do idiot. Shut up will you? Here, have another snickers. You are a real diva when you are Steve Buscemi. *Om nom nom.* Turns into Betty White.
You know what, I’m just gonna give up Snickers bars and be myself.
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Alien vs Pinhead Painting
Aw. Look at that alien getting ready to tuck in Pinhead in this Alien vs Pinhead Painting. Maybe read him a little dead-time story. I had no idea these two were friends. Pinhead has great taste in bedsheets. But how does he sleep without poking holes in his pillow? Guy must go through a pillow a night. Wait. I don’t think they’re friends. I think that alien is gonna eat that pinhead. Well, everything but his head. No way that alien wants to cut up his mouth.
Hush my little Pinhead, don’t you cry.
Alien’s in your room and you will die.
He’s here to pull your face away from your head.
And leave it on the pillow on your bloody bed.
Don’t Wish For It, Work For It Paper Weight
At first i thought someone snuck into the gym and took a picture of me, but then I didn’t see any pizza and I knew it was cool. I just go for free pizza night and sit on the weight lifting bench eating it. But no, this is just a motivational paper weight. They did get all of my details just right though. The facial hair, chest hair, armpit hair. Even the outfit I wear.
The battery is all wrong though. I use a much taller battery. That way when I do lift, it encourages me to keep going. Lift, lower until the weight bar connects with the battery, get zapped and do it again.
Don’t Wish For It, Work For It! You hear that all you Genie lamp rubbers? Heh. Genie lamp rubbers. Sounds like a condom brand. Nobody steal that. I’m gonna patent it and sell it with the slogan, “Put it on. Rub and get 3 wishes.”
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Labradorite Mini Skulls
Oh, shiny! These Labradorite Mini Skulls shimmer like a rainbow. It’s like the end of the rainbow is at a mass grave, with a leprechaun dancing a jig above. Labradorite… That’s a fun word. Say it with me. Lab-ra-dor-ite. There is no labradorwrong, only labradorite. These are some of the shiniest skulls I’ve ever seen and I used to have a job waxing and buffing that Pawn Stars guy’s head. We parted ways when he started that, “I’m sorry, our expert says that your services are only worth five dollars” crap. I wanted 50. That guy never names a fair price.
These are so pretty my skull hertz. Nah, I spelled that fine. It mega-hertz! Glad we’re on the same frequency. Normally to get these skulls you would have to hire a Labradorite Retriever and have him sniff them out, but you can just click the link above. I’m sure they are a Labra of love for the artist. Heh. I slay me. *Cough* No, really. Just slayed me. *Cough* Backed right into a decorative Hobbit sword. *Coughs blood* Avenge me!