Author: Artemis Winterford

Gold Skull Bookends

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Gold Skull Bookends
These Gold Skull Bookends look pretty awesome cuz they’re shiny. Also cuz I just want to put some crazy eyes in those sockets. And I know you have a better book collection than these two books shown here. They look like cool ancient idols. *Stands before them. Wiggles my hands, loosening them up. Gently lifts one skull so my books don’t fall down. I smile and go to put the idol in my satchel. A mechanism clicks somewhere. Rumbling starts. Giant boulder comes down from the ceiling and chases me. I barely make it as I jump through my front door.*

You see why these are awesome? Again! Again!

Crazy Candy Dress

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Crazy Candy Dress
Candy Land called. It wants its candy dress back. At a recent Willy Wonka fashion show this dress stole the show. It’s made out of Rock candy, Sour straps, Marshmallow ropes, Gummi Grapefruit & M&M’s. You know, the five basic food groups. You could tell that somebody hack stage licked it all over and then hung it back up cuz it was covered in lint and hair. For $2,500. it better be lined with everlasting gobstoppers.

Wood Skull Smartphone Docking Station

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Wood Skull Smartphone Docking Station
If your smartphone was really smart, it would be sitting in this Wood Skull Smartphone Docking Station looking badass. Your phone would be all like, “I’m cool. I’m cool. Just kicking back. Gettin’ a charge.” Cuz you know, phones always talk to people. Cuz you’re psycho. I kid. I kid.

Okay, not really. My phone won’t shut up. Stupid Siri, getting a stupid sentient soul and gabbing my ear off. And you can’t turn it off at that point cuz it would be murder. It’s driving me mad!!!!
Read more “Wood Skull Smartphone Docking Station”

Spaghetti Eating Spaceman

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Spaghetti Eating Spaceman
You spacey cretin! Damn you Spaghetti Eating Spaceman! How dare you come to my planet and eat all of the spaghetti. How dare you sir! Stop slurping spaghetti while I yell at you. Stick to the pipe cleaners on your home planet!

But seriously… I see it’s bring your child to work day on Etsy once again. Kids do the darnedest things. Bless.

Skeleton Salad Forks

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Skeleton Salad Forks
Man, I love tossing my salad. There’s just something about salad tossing that makes me happy. I think I’m pretty good at it too. I like to get my hands all up in that salad and just toss it like crazy, real fast like. Very satisfying. Sometimes I like to have a smoke after.

But tossing my stuff about to get even better thanks to these Skeleton Salad Forks. I can tell that those bony hands can toss my stuff like crazy, just getting covered in creamy white dressing, with croutons all between the fingers. I’ll be licking it all off. Does this sound dirty? Sorry, I’m just really into tossing.