Author: Artemis Winterford

Vampire Bats Scientific Illustration Poster

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Vampire Bats Scientific Illustration Poster
Hang this Vampire Bats Scientific Illustration Poster on your wall and you will feel like a fancy bat scientist. You know what you call a Bat scientist? A Batman! Your assistant’s name could be Robin. Study this poster day and night and you will become smarter in the ways of the bat. The next step is building a bat cave. I think you know the rest. Using your billionaire resources to genetically alter your appearance until you are a bat. THEN you will be ready to fight crime.

Or you know, just enjoy this in your home.
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No Thanks: Spider Backpack

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Spider Backpack
I don’t want to alarm you, but there’s a spider on your back. He looks like a spider backpack, but he’s all jacked into your spine and brain, controlling your every action. What do you do? Well, I would hand a good friend a taser and let him zap that stowaway. Hopefully he doesn’t miss and the spider has a seizure before falling to the ground dead. That’s how you deal with that little problem.

Same way I got rid of that tick I had on my side last year, when I grabbed some exposed wire from the wall and slammed it into my side after yelling CLEAR! Blew him to smithereens and burned every hair off my body. I may have looked like a naked mole rat, but I was a naked mole rat without a tick attached. Lifehacks for the win!

Dig These Crazy Creature Fossils

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Dig These Crazy Creature Fossils
These creature fossils from Dustfull let you have some neat creature bones in your home without having to dig them up. I know that my neighbors get really pissed when I dig in their yard, even though I know for a fact that there is a giant T-Rex buried there. Hey, I was as quiet as I could be with that bulldozer. They don’t come with silencers. If they did I would be digging everywhere at night and stealing bones.

They have mermaid fossils, bats, dragons and more. I told you dragons exist! But no, you wouldn’t listen. Why would they show them on Game of Thrones if they were fake? Next you’ll be telling me that half the boobs on the internet are fake. Whatevs. Do your research.
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Brian The Giant Turd Stuffed Doll

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Brian The Giant Turd Stuffed Doll
I was just saying the other day that every Brian I meet turns out to be a real turd. I’m sure their not all bad, but man, I’ve met a lot of turds named Brian. Here’s another. Brian The Giant Turd Stuffed Doll. He’s ready to be displayed in your home so he can turd up your place. Hopefully they deliver him on time and he’s not turdy. I mean tardy. I’m not sure what his maker ate, but it looks like he’s got some green shading there. Also very puffy eyes. I guess it’s tiring being a turd. Or maybe he’s just sad he came in turd place in a contest.

Also, how do you get a turd that’s segmented in that way? I’m guessing you push, squeeze and push squeeze. I have no idea. And who would have thought that a turd could have such full lips? It’s from kissin’ butt on the way out. He’s a little brown noser. That’s probably why somebody gave him that shiner on his eye.
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Crystal Human Skull With Moon Light Brain Walking Stick

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Crystal Human Skull With Moon Light Brain Walking Stick
This Crystal Human Skull With Moon Light Brain Walking Stick is the coolest cane ever. I’m thinking of whacking myself in the knee just so I can have a bum leg and officially use it. This might be the only cane with a brain of it’s own. And it glows like it is nuclear material. This cane has some serious grey matter. I can practically see the synapses firing. I wonder what he’s thinking. Probably that you are holding his head too tight and he has a headache.
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