Author: Artemis Winterford

Bat Coin Purse

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Bat Coin Purse
The next time you’re hanging out in the cemetery and you need some change, just reach for your hand dandy bat coin purse that is wrapped around your arm. Why you would need change in a cemetery, I have no idea. Maybe they have vending machines there now. Been awhile since I hung out in graveyards. Too boring. It’s always so dead there. Vending machines would really help. That way you could also just leave coins for the dearly departed in case they need a snack. It wouldn’t be the first time a spirit has wandered aimlessly under the pale moonlight looking for a Baby Ruth. No biggie. I do that in my sleep all the time. Sometimes I actually manage to find one. One time I did wake up clutching a turd in a truck stop restroom though. I probably should curb my hunger.

When I get rich I’m so putting vending machines in cemeteries. They’ll leave the change for their loved ones and I’ll sweep it up every night. Put it in a giant pile and dive in it everyday. I’m so awesome. I love me. Gonna buy me something special when I get rich.
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Realistic Snake Canes

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Realistic Snake Canes
Mike Stinnett makes canes. Canes that look like snakes. I’m talking they look like they are gonna bite you. The level of realism in his work is incredible. This is the ultimate in walking accessories. It’s also the ultimate in accessories that will scare the hell out of people. I’m scared just looking at these canes. Pro tip: Never take your cane into the wilderness and set it down, cuz you know you’re gonna pick up a real snake by accident and get bit.

Elderly people like to beat others with canes. That’s just a fact.And it would be so much more satisfying to see someone get beat with a stiff snake. Maybe that’s just me.
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Crazy Cat Lady Gourd

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Crazy Cat Lady Gourd
Being a crazy cat lady is one thing, but put some damn clothes on woman! You can’t just cover your naughty bits with cats! Well you can, but then everyone’s gonna confuse your kitties with your T***ies. Are you on some Hawaiian vacation or is this how you always dress at home? Pull yourself together.Are you out of your gourd?

Horror Book Themed Candles

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Horror Book Themed Candles
It’s been awhile since I sat down with a good book. You know why? Because books aren’t very good at conversation. Also, because books don’t have the internet with built in naughty websites. Books also don’t feed me. There’s actually a lot of reasons now that I think about it. At least now I can enjoy some good books with my candles thanks to these Horror Book Themed Candles.

These decorative candles from FirstEditionCandleCo have a little book attached and you can even use them as bookmarks. They will make your place look all creepy-like. Gotta say though, these are not that original. I created these back in the great fire of 1996 when I last read a book by candle light. The fireman gave me the candle covered book as a souvenir along with a slap to the back of the head.
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Worst Action Figure Ever? John Carpenter’s The Fog

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Worst Action Figure Ever John Carpenter’s The Fog
SWEET! This John Carpenter’s The Fog action figure is gonna be the coolest in my collection. It’s highly articulated, fully lifelike and extremely detailed. That’s movie accurate right there son! The Fog is rolling in baby! You think your action figure is cool. Well fog you! This one is better. Just don’t open it or it will be lost forever!