Author: Artemis Winterford

Jesus And Germs Soap Dispenser

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Jesus And Germs Soap Dispenser
This Jesus And Germs Soap Dispenser says that we have to wash our hands and say our prayers because Jesus is everywhere. True that. He’s especially in those big buildings with the stained glass and pointy tops. Oh yeah, they’re called churches. Well if Jesus wanted me to wash my hands, he wouldn’t have turned all of that water into wine. That means he wants me to wash my hands with wine. Which means that wine is great for washing my insides free of germs and sin. Which in turn, is why I drink from my dad’s wine bottles and then top them off with vinegar. Last night my dad got real drunk, but smelled all feminine fresh.

Anywho, Jesus is everywhere. Even on this blog, shaking his head, but laughing at my antics. Dude loves me. I can get away with anything. Except for that hooker and the trunk full of blow incident last year. Trust me, Moses and the burning bush reads a whole new way after God smites you with a mega STD with crabs piled on top.

Awesome Tattoo Art Prints

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Awesome Tattoo Art Prints
Sweet! Look at all the cool ink I just got. Syke! For my wall, not my body. I would never get a tattoo. My body is a temple. One that worships, twinkies, ding-dongs and ho-hos. Actually, I tried to get a tattoo once, but I kept passing out just looking at the selection book. The guy was all like, “Do you have narcolepsy?” And I was all like, “No, I’m cool dude. I ain’t gonna rat you out.”

These Awesome Tattoo Art Prints from ParlorTattooPrints won’t hurt a bit. Tattoo your home with all of these creepy/cool monsters and horror movie icons. Now I can be cool and say I have a bunch of tattoos. *BAM* Sorry, I just passed out thinking about it.
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Freddy vs Jason Mask

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Freddy vs Jason Mask
You know, I like Freddy. I also like Jason. But these guys are two-faced. This Freddy vs Jason Mask proves it. Secretly they’re the same guy, doing like twice the murders we thought they were doing. What other conclusion can you come to? This reminds of the other night when I ordered half pepperoni on a pizza. You got a pizza face Freddy! I don’t even care if you slip into my dreams. It has to be said. Now it’s out there. I hope I made you cry.

You made me cry Freddy. The last time you invaded my dreams. I cried for like a week. Giving me a wedgie with underwear that was giant trampoline material and throwing me up and down all night really sucked! *sniff* You really hurt me Freddy. Don’t show up tonight when I close my eyes. I’m gonna need some time. *Sniffle*

Crocheted Skull Scarf

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Crocheted Skull Scarf
This Crocheted Skull Scarf lines your neck with a row of soft skulls, like you’re some savage wearing the skulls of other people. People made of crochet, who your people have no doubt wiped out in the name of fashion. You are gonna look super stylish. Skulls are in this year. How do I know? Every runway model is sporting one. And since they barely eat, you can see the whole thing on their gaunt faces.

Yeah, you gotta rock the skulls. And I don’t mean doing a drum solo on your noggin. Although that’s pretty fun too. Even if you have a headache for two weeks. I would wear this scarf. I like it so much I would scarf it right up. I ain’t spinnin’ no yarns.

Vampire Hunter Journal With Stake And Cross On Chain Bookmark

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vampire hunter journal
Vampire hunters have all the coolest gear. Sharpened stakes, garlic, fancy crosses that burn vampire flesh, and journals like this awesome Vampire Hunter Journal.

First entry- Dear diary, today I staked a vampire. I mean, I staked out his lair. I didn’t have the courage to go inside and stake him. That pale and goth looking creepy son of a witch has to pay for his late night feeding on innocent women at the local clubs.

Two days later- Getting my courage up now. He rises when the sun goes down and sleeps in the day. Gonna do it tonight.

The next day- I did it! I did it! I broke into his house and staked him while he slept in his coffin. Well, he was sleeping in a normal bed for some reason. And he didn’t turn into ash when I drove the stake in! What have I done? I think I just killed a random goth teen! A quick examination of the room turned up a bunch of Hot Topic receipts. Also, an inspection of the home revealed parents sleeping in the same house too. I think I’m in big trouble now. This will be my last entry. Vampire hunting isn’t for me. I don’t want to go to jail…