Author: Artemis Winterford

Year of the Goat Canvas Art Print

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year of the goatIs it the year of the goat? I had no idea. I guess all of those goats in party hats celebrating the new year should have clued me in. I just thought they were trying to get my goat. Anyway, this Year of the Goat Canvas Art Print shows you how goats party down. Or is it party up? I have no idea since the only parties I attend are pity parties and I’m the only guy there. Goats know how to live it up. They have the best sweaters and blow bubbles everywhere while dancing to a tune on the boombox.

I bet that goat doesn’t have a job or anything. And you know what an unemployed goat is called right? Billy Idol! Heh. Why are they called Billy Goats anyway? You goat me. See what I did there? I goat ya again. That was too easy. I’m the king of goat jokes. I know, you’re thinking, “Goat the f**k outta here!” Fine, I’m gone.

Victorian Skeleton Wearing A Steampunk Bonnet

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Victorian Skeleton Wearing A Steampunk Bonnet
This Victorian Skeleton Wearing A Steampunk Bonnet is pretty cool. Shelley the Steampunk skeleton sells seashells by the seashore. I just said that fast three times and totally aced it. Yay me! My words are working great today. *Ignores the skeleton and whispers to the bonnet.* Did somebody put a bee in your bonnet? I know right. There’s a b in your bonnet. Get it? A real biatch. Don’t tell her I said so. I just don’t like the way her gears are grinding at me. She scares me.

You’ll go nuts for this statue. And bolts. And gears. And rivets. You got a lot of brass showing up here lady! Get it? Brass? Steampunk and brass? Now I wanna see the Terminator arrive in Victorian London and wed her. Then they could give birth to baby skynet and kill us all. Get on that Hollywood.

Zombie Cubes: Zombies Squared!

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zombie cubes
Stack up some Zombie Cubes and build a cool Zombie fort. Fun fact of the day and behind the scenes tidbit: I almost typed Zombie Pubes. Was gonna leave it, but then I figured zombie pubes are probably the first thing to fall out once you get bitten by an undead psychopath. If they don’t need ’em on their privates, I don’t need ’em in my paragraph.

These little cubes are hand painted and each zombie has its’ own personality. Squished it, toss it, stack them up and knock them down. Just like a real zombie, no matter how much abuse you throw at these, they will retain their original shape, even if crushed. Stack’em, whack’em, thwack ’em, straight up attack ’em. Pubeless monsters!

Skeleton Zipper Hoodie In White Bones And Red Bones

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Skeleton Zipper Hoodie In White Bones And Red Bones
Check out these awesome Skeleton Zipper Hoodie In White Bones And Red Bones. I’ll get the white one and you get the red one, then we’ll be in rival skeleton gangs. I’ll call my gang the Fractured Tibias and you can call yours the Raging Red Skulls. I’ll always lose cuz my bones are brittle, but I promise I’ll always put up a good fight. I’m scrappy like that. SCRAPPY. Man, I’m getting pumped! Did you just flash gang signs at me? Oh, cool. Respect my bony brotha from anotha skeleton motha. We all good!
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Alien Space Dog Remains

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Alien Space Dog Remains
You know how it is. You’re out zipping through space in your Hot Rod UFO, your space dog’s head hanging out the window, when suddenly Fido has to take a leak. And since you don’t want him lifting his leg in your newly upholstered UFO, you have to make a pit stop. On Earth. But you encounter a lightning storm and you crash. Then some hick finds your alien corpse and your Alien Space Dog Remains. That’s an embarrassing way to go. Your remains are in the hands of those lower life-forms that you have probed endlessly.

I say, you got what you deserved space scum! And if my butt-hole wasn’t so messed up, I’d kick your alien keister! But I have to hit the toilet like now before I erupt! That’s your fault. And stop leaving your dogs all over our planet! *Farts as I run to the bathroom*

Anyway, damn their space dogs are ugly. Big brains though. I bet when you put a treat on it’s nose, it just telekinetically lifts it and carries it into it’s mouth. That seems like something a freaky space pooch would do. At least they are evolved enough to ASK if they can hump your leg. Probably cuddle it after too.
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