Cup o’ Fingers anyone? Anybody? No? Too gross? It’s all good, it’s just some creepy crochet that a creeper crafted up. I’m not much into finger food myself. I mean, I’ll eat it with my fingers, sure. Then wipe the grease all over my shirt. What? “Shirts ain’t nothin’ but giant napkins you wear!” Sage advice if I ever heard it. That little gem came from my 400 pound uncle. Probably not the best role model. He was so fat, he had trouble moving, basically had to sit still Buddha style and have food brought to him. Sometimes I would rub his tummy for luck as I passed by. That man wore the same napkin for 20 years… Until napkins stopped fitting him.
Tag: knitted
Crocheted Skull Scarf
This Crocheted Skull Scarf lines your neck with a row of soft skulls, like you’re some savage wearing the skulls of other people. People made of crochet, who your people have no doubt wiped out in the name of fashion. You are gonna look super stylish. Skulls are in this year. How do I know? Every runway model is sporting one. And since they barely eat, you can see the whole thing on their gaunt faces.
Yeah, you gotta rock the skulls. And I don’t mean doing a drum solo on your noggin. Although that’s pretty fun too. Even if you have a headache for two weeks. I would wear this scarf. I like it so much I would scarf it right up. I ain’t spinnin’ no yarns.
Cat Butt Coasters: The Quicker Pucker-Upper
Tired of friends leaving sweat rings or drink stains on your tabletop? No worries. Try these Cat Butt Coasters: The Quicker Pucker-Upper. Just lay them out when you have company and these little clenched up Cat butts will keep your surfaces clean.
Keep them away from that one guy. You know, that one guy everybody knows, who has to be the joker and like, starts pushing M & M’s through the pink knitting in the center. He’s all like, hey look at this guys. He gives a chocolate suppository to the coaster and embarrasses everybody, so that you regret even inviting him over. Yeah, sadly I am that guy.
Dead Rat Scarf
Is it me or are rats getting bigger lately? Must be all of that radiation everywhere mutating them. Like this dead rat scarf. That’s a long wiener rat right there. It will keep you warm and toasty and all decked out in rat fashion.
Just $70 from Etsy seller MissSnowberry. Phaw. I could knit one myself. I’ll do it now. *returns 20 days later* Behold the rat scarf! *unfurls scarf* I mean Octopus. Behold the mangled octopus!
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Knitted Alien Autopsy: The Truth Is In There…In His Guts
This knitted alien autopsy from Etsy seller aKNITomy is the adorable way to slice and dice aliens. For science of course. You can get the PDF pattern for $4.50 and make one for yourself. If we figure out how these guys work on the inside, we may be able to stop them from appearing in the night and probing our rectums.
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