Author: Artemis Winterford

Evil Eye Lamp

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Evil Eye Lamp
Hey, it’s the all seeing eye. Isn’t that what’s on the dollar bill? Also, the Illuminati uses it to indoctrinate those of weak mind. Illuminati? Nah. Illumi-nutty! No way they exist. That’s what I’m telling myself anyway. My head is in the sand. Firmly. No need to come after me. We cool now? Aight!

Okay. Then this Evil Eye Lamp is pretty awesome. It has color changing LED’s and it promises not to hypnotize you and make you do crazy stuff. But it will remain bloodshot because it has no eyelid to moisten it. Plus, maybe it has allergies.

Crazy Halloween Cat Doll

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Crazy Halloween Cat Doll
Halloween cat doll.
Hear her roar.

Got her own pet name.
It’s Pussums Galore.

Got her own montage.
This feline is the shizz.

Steppin’ to her box.
Gonna take a whizz.

I have no idea what this is. It’s a “Halloween Cat Doll”. Shown in a nice montage. She appears to have a decorative staff in one hand and a pumpkin in the other, so she’s ready to kick butt.
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This BatCape Poncho Makes You The Head Bat Honcho

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BatCape Poncho
This BatCape Poncho says I am a creature of the night and don’t I look fabulous?

Yes. Yes you do. Now stop prancing around in that thing and let’s go fight crime already! *Looks down at my leotard, elf shoes and boy shorts.* Why did I have to be Robin again? Oh yeah, that’s right, it looked like a pregnant bat when I wore it. Now I just look like a pregnant elf. *Punches one gloved hand into the other!* Let’s do this thing!
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Teeny Weeny Zombie Bikini

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Teeny Weeny Zombie Bikini
She wore a teeny weeny zombie bikini…. And that was the day I decided to become a zombie hunter. Nah, not really. I thought it just sounded like the beginning of a cool love story.

I must be a zombie too, because that bikini makes my heart skip a beat and suddenly I’m all about the flesh. Brains? Who needs ’em? I didn’t get this far with brains. Oh you mean your brain. Sure, I guess it’s alright. Sure, I dig your brain. It’s why I approached you in the first place. Yeah. Wanted to mention some uh, philosopy and stuff.

Hungry Hungry Hippo Rings

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Hungry Hungry Hippo Rings
Hungry Hungry Hippos Rings. I’ll get one and you can get one. Then we can have some epic marble eating competitions. They really work. I haven’t played Hungry Hungry Hippos in ages. If I want to see a bunch of large beasts fighting over stuff, I’ll go to any Walmart next to a McDonald’s on a Black Friday.

I’d have one of these on every finger. Both hands. Then you can unleash the marbles. Or these little cheese puff balls. That way I get to eat what they eat. Hey, I’m also a Walmart customer the rest of the year.
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