Author: Artemis Winterford

Cheeseburger Backpack

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Cheeseburger Backpack
Cheeseburger backpack! It’s got lettuce and cheese sticking out of the bun. Probably has special sauce too. I’m gonna be so cool walking into the fast food place with this on my back. They’d ask what I want. I would just point to my backpack. Give me one of them. A cheeseburger. And hurry it up son. Acne face behind the counter will know what I mean. That guy’s gonna think I’m so awesome.

Until the guy behind me is all like, “Hey, nice backpack, dude! Is that another one in the front, under your shirt?”

Yeah. I can never be cool. *sighs* And no, that’s just my gut, the bastard child of a thousand cheeseburgers.

Poison Apple Soap

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Poison Apple Soap
Check out this Poison Apple Soap. No wonder Snow White took a bite out of this thing. Looks friggin’ delicious with the frosting in the shape of a skull. How could you not eat it? Snow White was trippin balls anyway. 7 dwarves, magic mirrors, evil queens… They called her Snow White because of her coke habit. The 7 dwarves were actually variations of LSD. Crazy stuff. But true. I read it online so it has to be true.

Anyway, don’t eat this poison apple. It’s soap. It would taste like soap. It’s for washing your hands and looking cool in your home. What’s wrong with you? It would really harm you or at least make you fall asleep until some prince kissed you. Or something.

Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all? It’s me, isn’t it? Is this finally my chance? Please let it be me. I want so bad to be a pretty pretty Princess! Eh, that’s never going to happen! I need to give up on that dream. By the way, you can also check out this Black Heart Soap. It takes a very black heart to poison someone with an apple after all.

Chemtrail Carl Latex Halloween Mask

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Chemtrail Carl Latex Halloween Mask
Hey Chemtrail Carl. What up? What’s all the puss? Ha. You know, cuz you have all of those blistery puss sacks on your head. Why ya staring at me with that one big eye? Giving me the stink-eye are ya? Maybe not. I don’t think that stink is coming from your eye. You need a bath dude.

You can be Chemtrail Carl for Halloween this year with this latex Halloween mask. I recommend not bathing for like a month just to be completely authentic. I know cuz I always run into this guy in the 7-11 parking lot.

Coffin Couch

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Coffin Couch
When you’re dead tired, relax on the coffin couch. You spend most of your time on the couch anyway. They might as well bury you in it. Just binge watch your favorite show and then close the lid for a nap. When it’s time for a longer nap, like a dirt nap, just have some friends pick the whole thing up and throw it in a hole in the backyard. Just like how I buried my pet parakeets. Only, you know, like on a 100X larger scale.

Vampire Teeth Tights

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vampire teeth tights
If tights could talk, this one would say, “I vant to bite your butt!” Now that’s something to sink your teeth into. These Vampire Teeth Tights are adorable. Perfect for Halloween or just everyday creepwear. I gotta say those are some long legs. You can’t hear me, but I’m doing cat-calls right now and woot-ing it up!

Actually calf calls would be more appropriate since we’re talking tights. You got some nice calves and I ain’t talking baby cows. That lady over there? She’s got nice baby cows. You have nice calves. And that’s no bull.