Author: Artemis Winterford

Scary Tapping Peeper

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tapping peeper
Jeepers creepers, why is this guy going all peepers and looking in my window and tapping on the glass? *Screams like a girl in the full throws of beatlemania, puts hands to face and falls over fainting.* Beatlemania. It was a thing. Look it up.

Damn this Tapping Peeper is scary. Scarier than that other one we featured awhile back. This one taps on the glass so you will jump right out of your skin, call the cops and then grab the shotgun and every knife in the kitchen, run back in the room and see it again, then have a heart attack.

Tapping Peeper. *Giggles* Sounds dirty. I’d tap that. With my peeper.
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Rib Cage X-Ray Skeleton Sweater

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Rib Cage X-Ray Skeleton Sweater
Hey, nice ribs. You’ll be a walking X-Ray in this Rib Cage X-Ray Skeleton Sweater. You’ll be warm even though it looks like you have nothing on. Fun fact: This is how I look every time I plug in my toaster. I always curse the landlord, shake uncontrollably for 2 hours and then forget about the whole thing. This jogged my memory. What was I typing about? I like toast.
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Needle Felted Octopus Tentacles

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Needle Felted Octopus Tentacles
Bring the terror of the deep to your desk or coffee table with these cool Needle Felted Octopus Tentacles. It came from the deep and now you are in the deep. Caca that is. This 6 piece sculpture consists of 3 different sized tentacles and accompanying wave breaks. They look downright terrifying.

I’ll put them on my table, but if it reaches for my potato chips, I’m laying the smack down. It better not get all touchy feely on me when I’m watching TV. Just cuz you’re made of felt doesn’t mean I’m gonna get felt up. Behave.

Crazy Food Marionette Puppets: Watch My Hot Dog Dance!

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Crazy Food Marionette Puppets
These crazy Food Marionette Puppets from pocketlamps are awesome and freaky. I wanna get one just so I can make my wiener dance around and sing. Maybe put on a one man show. I would call him Wiener Schnitzel. It would be the worst. Bratwurst! The reviews would say, “That is one hot dog!” and “I relished the whole thing.”

There’s also a Hamburger and a pretzel. I gotta go write my script. I am gonna bring Broadway crashing to it’s knees and weeping to make it stop.
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Sarah Squid Seems Sad

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Sarah Squid Seems Sad
Sarah Squid Seems Sad. Maybe she’s mad, I can’t tell. I’ll say this. She’s well dressed for her period. No, I just mean she’s dressed in period clothing. Not saying it’s that time of the month. Although, judging from that grumpy look… Am I right guys?

*Gets slapped by a suckered tentacle and knocked to the ground.* No, I’m just saying that style is period appropriate, you know- *Smack. Gets face full of squid ink.* Hey that ink is red. You really are- *Smack!* Staying down this time ma’am.
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