Author: Artemis Winterford

Doctor Dreadful Alien Autopsy Toy

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Doctor Dreadful Alien Autopsy Toy
Some toys will make your kids grow up to be doctors or carpenters, or even, god forbid, lawyers. Then some toys, like this Doctor Dreadful Alien Autopsy Toy will make your kid grow up to be…something else. I’m thinking something between a mad scientist and a serial killer.

Don’t believe me? Check out the video of this toy in action below. Complete with creepy mad scientist guy urging the kids to eat the crazy and nasty toy-food. Perform an autopsy kids. Then eat up. We can’t leave any evidence behind for Mulder and Scully to find after all. Check out how freaky this thing is.
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Freddy Krueger Crew Neck Sweater

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Freddy Krueger Crew Neck Sweater
Really digging my new Freddy Krueger Crew Neck Sweater. Never heard of Freddy Krueger, but I bet he’s like one of the top designers. Everyone else is digging my threads too. They’re all checking me out. Eyeing me up as I walk down the street. This sweater goes well with my not-trimmed for like 10 years fingers on my right hand that are sharp as knives. The street sign says I’m on Elm. I hope this Craigslist dude has my stuff and doesn’t kill me.

Hmmm. Not sure why the town is now rounding the corner with pitchforks and torches, but… I’m starting to think they don’t like this shirt.

STD Plush Sculptures

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STD Plush Sculptures
Well, I’ve gotten to know these guys so well, it’s nice to be able to put a face with the names. Hello Syphilis. Hello Herp! I wish I could say it’s been awhile, but it’s only been like 2 weeks. You’re taller in person when you’re not making me itch and burn.

*Grabs giant tube of cream and squirts it all over them before shoving them both in a chest and slamming the lid down hard.* NOW I have you both under control! And my doctor said it was impossible! I’m taking these guys to my new girlfriend. I was going to give them to her anyway.
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Baby Doll Table Lamp With Trophy Barbie Head

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Baby Doll Table Lamp With Trophy Barbie Head
Not sure what to make of this Baby Doll Table Lamp With Trophy Barbie Head. He’s making a face like he has a monkey-brain, which explains why he is tearing a Barbie doll limb from limb. Anybody can do that. Barbies have so little body fat that they come apart like string cheese. So I’m not impressed.

Anyway, put some damn clothes on baby. Can you be attached to a lamp that makes me un-see things?

Therapeutic Cooling And Heating Facehugger…With Soothing Chamomile

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Therapeutic Cooling And Heating Facehugger
Normally Facehuggers are for horror, but in this case they are for healing. I have no idea how a Facehugger is supposed to cure what ails you, but this one is filled with rice, chamomile, and lavender…to relax and soothe you.

I might just buy it because it looks like a Facehugger whoopee cushion. Also, I have the strange urge to hit people with it.
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