Author: Artemis Winterford

Wormbaby Caterpillar Babies

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Wormbaby Caterpillar BabiesIs it creepy or cute? Beats me. I only know that I was infested with wormbabies one time and it was a nightmare to get rid of them. If you don’t catch them quick, they use their soft-serve pointy heads to attach themselves to objects and form a cocoon. Then they turn into mothbabies and start eating holes in your clothes.

That’s probably why my clothes have so many holes in them. It doesn’t help that when I drop food on my shirt, I suck out the stain like a vampire. You can’t let all of that mac and cheese MSG go to waste. It’s like Bill Compton going to town on Sooky Stackhouse. Or Eric Northman. Or those other 10 guys. Sooky, you is a tramp. *Does the Lafayette finger snap and saunters away swaying my hips*
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Hit It Until Candy Comes Out: Zombie Pinata

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zombie pinataWhat the hell is that? It’s a friggin’ zombie. Run! No way, I’m gonna smash it’s brains in. *thud* *whack* *crack* Hey, what’s that? Those brains are delicious candy. Holy Jesus on a Jetski! There’s a whole horde of them coming. I don’t know about you, but I’m about to go Trick or Treating all up in this freak show. Let’s hope some of them have some Reeses cups stuck in their neck melon!
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Leather Armor Meat Bracers

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meat bracersHey LARPers. Forget that fancy enchanted set of golden Warlock bracers that you have. Sure they give you +2 defense, but take it from me, it hurts like a mother trucker when that sword hits your wrist. And the force of the blow will probably still shatter your calcium deficient nerd bones.

You need something with some give. You need meat bracers. These are at least +5 defense with a +10 grossness thrown in. If Rocky trained with meat, the least you can do is wear some as armor. Plus, you’ll look badass, like someone has already flayed your skin off. Probably your mom. Because she’s sick of her nerd son freeloading in her basement. You losers need to-

Not now mom!

I’ll do it when I’m finished. No, I’m not rolling the forums again. And it’s TROLLING mom. Did you finish sewing my Elven Wizard costume yet?
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Cthulhu Zippered Fleece Hoodie

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Cthulhu Zippered Fleece HoodieConceal your true identity behind tentacles when you cosplay as Cthulhu wearing this hoodie. Girl, you look so fine I had to roll a sanity check, cuz I’m about to lose my mind. The gamer geeks know what I’m talking about. This Cthulhu hoodie will keep you warm and looking like the ancient terror himself.

You’ll look like you are crawling out of his tentacled mouth.
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Belly-Bursting Baby Halloween Costume

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baby belly halloween costumeThis Belly-Bursting Baby Halloween Costume can be easily made at home by making sweet love to a mutant and not using birth control. Mutant babies always burst out of the belly near Halloween, holding their own trick or treat bag.

Not saying I’m a mutant, but I don’t care if this thing burst out of my wife’s belly or not, I’m still getting all of the Reese’s cups this Halloween. And you better finish coming out. Feels weird now when we spoon. You keep moving your little fingers like so it feels like a centipede on my back. And what’s with that weird O face? It’s creepy. No way. You are NOT stuck. Get out the rest of the way now!
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