Some guys need like 40 drinks until they have their beer goggles on. Me? I just wear these I’d Tap That Beer Goggles while entering the place. I’m not picky. You know it and I know it. Let’s do this thing.
But if you still need like a keg to turn me into Ryan Gosling I understand. I’ll just wait somewhere you can’t see me until you are good and drunk, then I’ll introduce myself and we will meet again for the first time. Cool?
Damn girl. You got a fine ba-doom-kadonk. Looking all rave yard in your graveyard. I’m just sayin’ I’d like to hold a rave in that grave. Wait this isn’t a guy right? Man, I hope not. That can NEVER happen again. Now shhhh!
These Levi’s Of Doom And Gloom ain’t got no room cuz they full of booty and pulling double duty. Keeping things tight with fright. They’ll fit you just right in your skull hole. Skinny or tight, how they fit don’t matter. After you buy ’em you know you gettin’ fatter.
And THAT is how you write an ad to sell your cool ass end of the world jeans. Because I noticed you didn’t. You’re welcome.
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This Black Cat Felted Scarf looks like someone pumped Mr. Whiskers up cartoon style with a bicycle pump and popped him with a pin, then shrugged and just draped it around their neck.
Don’t get me wrong, it looks awesome and kind of evil, but also very deflated and traumatized. It looks like it even has whiskers.
Winter is coming. Don’t be caught out in the cold without Mr. Pussums around your neck. That’s what my mom used to say anyway. Which is why I have so many cat scratches around my neck and why my hat rack has a cat house on top.
You have no idea what it is like to be tormented by a thousand souls all writhing around in your chest, but I do. Happens to me every taco night. Which was last night. After this post, I’m off to the drug store to buy whatever cream has a firefighters logo on it, cuz I’m calling in a 4 alarm fire at the corner of Owmyanus and Main. Downstairs.
In order for the rest of you mere mortals to experience this(Minus the cramping, sweating, bloating and cursing.) you’ll need this Nightmare on Elm Street Freddy Krueger Animated Chest of Souls Sweater. *Points to the writhing faces on my stomach.* That one’s the one I had first. See how it’s almost absorbed into my skin. That one’s the one I dropped on the floor and ate anyway. Hey you guys stop fighting. You’re gonna make me puke here. I didn’t eat all of you just to puke you u- Oh man! Here it comes!
*Wipes face, breathing heavy.* That tasted better going down.
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I’ve never seen a pair of watermelons crawling through the grass like that. Don’t worry, I won’t tell Gallagher. These watermelons look nice and ripe and have super nice rinds. Wait, it’s a female! Wearing a watermelon skirt. Good thing you got up. Slithering through the grass like that, your rump looked like two ripe melons walking down the aisle.
I still stand by what I said. You have a nice be-rind. And that’s coming from a guy who prefers the seedless variety.