Tag: accessory

Zip Up, Zip Down: The Zipper Necklace

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

zipper necklace
Be super stylish and fashion forward with this Zipper Necklace, whether you are zipped up or zipped down. Little known fact: I have a zipper phobia, better known by it’s Latin name Penicus-Caughticus-Zipperus. Every time I look at a zipper I scream as if in pain and go down on my knees while clutching my man-junk. Not a pretty sight.

No way I could date a woman with this accessory. Every time I looked at her chest(Which I would do often because I’m a guy) I would be doubled over, holding my pee-pee. I guess it wasn’t meant to be my love. You should have chosen a button-fly necklace. Ado ado. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Owie! It hurts again!

Post Apocalyptic Steampunk Mickey Mouse Gas Mask

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mickey gas mask
If Disney is to survive the apocalypse, someone is going to have to be Mickey Mouse. Go on. Put the mask on. It is your destiny. Give in to your hate. Feel the merchandising coursing through you. Hear the cries of 10 billion overweight tourists. Feel the power of the dark side.

Or just, you know, wear this thing on Halloween. Or to protect your lungs from Minnie’s farts. She may be a mini-mouse, but those farts are the farts of a 500 pound Scrooge McDuck!

Awesome Snake Scarf Is One Warm Snake-Cessory

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snake scarf
Sweeet! This snake scarf is exactly what I need to battle the cold and look fashionably creepy this winter. I’ll wear it outside and then shed my scarf like snakeskin when inside again. You can call me Snake Plissken, or Rocky Bal-Boa constrictor. Even Cobra Commander. But don’t call me snake-neck the nerd. Them’s fighting words.

No way I’m wearing it on a plane though. I’ll ask for like one drink too many and the stewardess will be all like, “I have had it with these motherf***in’ snakes on this motherf***in’ plane!” Damn! Chill! Why don’t you sit down beside me and tell me all about it Sam Jackson. And while we’re at it, why the hell are you my stewardess today?
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Puff-N-Fluff Dog Dryer

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puff n fluff
Get ready for the Puff-N-Fluff! What’s a Puff-N-Fluff? I think it’s one of them Harry Potter teams. Could be what Ron and Harry get up to after hours too. Sounds like a relaxing tuck in between two friends. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Anyway this Puff-N-Fluff is basically an astronaut suit for your dog.

You give your dog a bath. He gets water and suds all over the God Damn place and then you suit him up like he’s going to Mars to lift his leg on the Mars Rover and dig up some Martian bones. Only he’s not. You’re going to attach your hair dryer and give him a good blow until he’s nice and clean.

Why can’t I get a suit like this? I like a good blow(dry) as much as any dog.
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This Belt Buckle Will Take A Bullet For You

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bullet belt buckle
Pew! Pew! Pew! You missed me! Thank God I have my bullet belt buckle to catch lead. This is the biggest, baddest, rootin’ tootin’est, Texas, Remember the Alamo, give me liberty or give me death belt buckle ever to hold a man’s drawers in place. Yee-Haw!

This piece of redneck royalty-wear is $99. Can I get a hundred dolla holla?

Holllllllla!

Sold! To the man with the ten gallon hat and the 40 gallon waistline.