Tag: accessory

Cinema Killers Zip-Up Hoodie

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Cinema Killers Zip-Up Hoodie
Ever feel like you want to cover yourself in horror movie maniacs? This Cinema Killers Zip-Up Hoodie makes it possible. It features a collage of your favorite classic horror movie killers, like Michael Myers, Leatherface, Hellraiser, Hannibal Lecter, It the Clown and many more!

This is basically the scariest hoodie ever. It could only be scarier if it was made from the skin of all of these freaks. Damn, I’m dark. Did I just say that. No. That was the hoodie talking. I think it is possessing me. I have a strong urge to wear a hockey mask with a bladed glove.

Zipper Eyes Temporary Tattoos

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Zipper Eyes Temporary Tattoos
These Zipper Eyes Temporary Tattoos make it look like your eyes have zippers attached. I’ve never seen a woman who looks like this, but I have seen women desperately try to zip their eyes closed to no avail or hide under their hoodie so they wouldn’t have to date me. It’s a common defense against my nerd mating ritual. Zip that flesh back up girl, your exposed flesh is going to get cold. Mind if I call you Zippy? Ever go zip-lining? Oh BTW XYZ. That means Examine Your Zipper! Also, your fly is down. Your eye-fly. Haha.

I got a million zipper jokes. Minus one. Cuz it ain’t no joke when your Wing-Wang gets caught in in zipper teeth. And that’s why the zippers on my jeans are painted on. That’s not gonna happen to me again. A cat may have nine lives, but my wiener only has one.

I guess I got off track like an old zipper. Which is what I call an elderly guy in a bike race, but that’s beside the point. The point is, these temporary tattoos are cool. Also I find it sexy, cuz I’m strange. *Channels Whitney Houston and sings* Unzip my heartttttt! Say you’ll love me again…

Scary Laser Cut Necklaces

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Scary Laser Cut Necklaces
These Scary Laser Cut Necklaces from CuriologyLtd are so spooky and scary. They will turn your neck into a haunted scene that will turn heads a full 360 degrees like in The Exorcist. But don’t worry, they won’t spit green pea soup at you as they are admiring your necklace. These scenic necklaces are all laser cut. Not phaser cut. Laser cut. Phasers don’t cut well enough, cuz it’s just a phase, but lasers? Lasers will cut you and blind you and kill space aliens. They probably cut these with a friggin’ ray-gun. Pew pew pew! Look what I created!

They have black magic cats, spiders, all kinds of creepy neck wear.
Read more “Scary Laser Cut Necklaces”

Edgar Allan Poe Nevermore Brass Cuff Bracelet

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Edgar Allan Poe Nevermore Brass Cuff Bracelet
Yo, where my Poes at? Girls who like Poe, I mean. You ladies are in for a special treat. I’m gonna cuff ya. Sounds kinky I know. It is. I’m gonna cuff you good baby. And just when you think you can’t take anymore, I’ll ask if you want me to stop. Then you’ll shout Nevermore. Don’t stop! Get your mind out of the gutter. I’m talking about this Edgar Allan Poe Nevermore Brass Cuff Bracelet.

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary…. That’s some pro pros right there from a pro prose writer. Also, that is one sexy bracelet cuff.
Read more “Edgar Allan Poe Nevermore Brass Cuff Bracelet”

No Thanks: Spider Backpack

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Spider Backpack
I don’t want to alarm you, but there’s a spider on your back. He looks like a spider backpack, but he’s all jacked into your spine and brain, controlling your every action. What do you do? Well, I would hand a good friend a taser and let him zap that stowaway. Hopefully he doesn’t miss and the spider has a seizure before falling to the ground dead. That’s how you deal with that little problem.

Same way I got rid of that tick I had on my side last year, when I grabbed some exposed wire from the wall and slammed it into my side after yelling CLEAR! Blew him to smithereens and burned every hair off my body. I may have looked like a naked mole rat, but I was a naked mole rat without a tick attached. Lifehacks for the win!