Damn, that’s one sexy chest! Not! *Vomits for 10 minutes straight.* This Sexy Chest One Piece Swimsuit will transform you ladies into something hideous, but this is what some of us look like at the beach already. I should probably sue for copyright infringement because they totally just copied my nasty man body. These come in three skin tones and all are horrifying. That photoshop above gives you some idea. This is nastier than that Guts Swimsuit.
Tag: amazon.com
Scary Peeper Alien Decoration – The Truth Is Out There
Attach this Scary Peeper Alien Decoration to any window and scare the bejesus out of your friends and family. He looks like he is communicating telepathically with his victim. Hell, I see his victim reflected in his eye. You see that? Some lucky dude is about to get a visit from the intergalactic proctologist. Good luck with that. Nothing that a little hemorrhoid cream and a cry in the corner can’t fix. This is even better than the Sasquatch Scary Peeper
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Unwrap These Cool Mummies Playing Cards
Oh man, I’m about to get wrapped up in this card game. Cuz of these awesome Mummies Playing Cards. Perfect for poker nights in your ancient tomb. So open up some ancient sarcophaguses and play a game with your own mummy or mummies. If you can handle all of their groaning and moaning. C’mon, how bad can it be being wrapped up in toilet paper? It isn’t like it was already used toilet paper. Damn. Check out that cool art.
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Authentic Bigfoot Call
Guys this is the most accurate Bigfoot calling device ever, at least since that spicy taco fart I did while camping in 1976, which resulted in a three Bigfoots circling my tent wondering what that trash smell was and if the mountain was on fire with ass somehow. This Authentic Bigfoot Call seems totally legit. I’m willing to take their word for it, mostly cuz I’m too lazy to look up a video on Youtube. I’m sure it doesn’t sound anything like a kazoo f**king a duck or anything like that. Just blow into it and it will call a Bigfoot. So it is basically a Bigfoot phone. You know how else you can call a Bigfoot? Hang up a dead goat in the forest and wait. This device is much less messy. Also where do you even find a goat that isn’t part of a meme? No idea.
Gothic Black Bat Wings Backpack
I’m gonna store all of my Red Bull in this Gothic Black Bat Wings Backpack. You know why? Cuz Red Bull gives you wings! Well, sure diabetes too, but wings aint bad. Gonna strap this thing on and run real fast so those wings flap in the breeze while I squeak like a bat, even if that is just my asthma. It’s gonna be so cool. I’m a bat out of hell baby! Then I’ll jump off the roof and either fly or be a puddle of Red Bull on the sidewalk.