Now you can own Van Gogh’s ear. It looks all hairy and nasty. I hope it didn’t look like that when he cut it off and gave it to that chick that he loved. Damn Vincent. If that is your ear, your could have just sent her some pubes. At least that way you’d still hear her when she smacks you in the face and calls you a degenerate freak.
Not that I would know from experience or anything.
For $160,000.00 you can buy Jimmy. A Spiritual friend. Well, I saved up my money and went for it. What the hell. No one else is playing D and D with me and discussing the finer points of Cheetos versus generic orange GMO sticks.
It went fine at first. I payed my money and just like in the picture, Jimmy swaggers into my house from some hyperspace orb streaming plain of existence. After he came through, he remained a creepy shadow. Dude is a jerk. Thought it was funny to stand over my bed at night and wake me up. Whatever. He just laughs in that trippy alien voice.
Came home from work one day and I catch him shadow-banging a half pound of ground beef. Dude claims it’s how he gets nutrients. Yeah? I guess that explains the hat made out of freaking sausage he wore for like a week straight, all sculpted on his head. I’m guessing he was courting the damn thing, because after about a week, he suddenly rips the thing off his head while we’re watching Netflix and stuffs it between the couch cushions, gets busy with it, has a smoke and wants me to clean it up.
I finally get Jimmy to eat like a human and guess what? They get diarrhea when they eat like that. So after coming home to “turd minefield”, last conflict of the great shadow war that is my life, I found some gypsies to work some voodoo and I sent Jimmy back where he came from, propelled by a swift kick in his shadow-ass. F U Jimmy.
Teach that bubble-headed blonde bimbo, Barbie, a thing or two, by letting the air in her head heads hold you upright. Be like Ken and walk all over Barbie. These weird shoes are a staggering $264.99, but sadly are out of stock.
We will just have to work out our aggression toward Barbie by ripping some heads off on our own and stomping all over them.
The seller of this vintage football says that it looks like E.T. I think it looks like Stewie Griffin. Now the prophecy is at hand! Somewhere, a small child is planning to take over the world.
It is just $2.
Read more “Vintage Football Looks Like Stewie Griffin From Family Guy”
The good thing about this can of Campbell’s Cream Of Chicken Feet Soup is that you can use one of the talons to open the can.
Uh, thanks mom, but I don’t need any soup. I’m feeling much better now. Your choice of grocery store items has induced vomiting. As usual. You go ahead and enjoy yourself.
Read more “Campbell’s Cream Of Chicken Feet Soup: Mmm Mmm No”