Hey ladies, want some cool wedgies? Uh, I meant wedges? No, really. Yeah, I’m a real lady’s man. *sigh* Just a slip of the tongue. Didn’t mean to scare you. I’ve never hiked a woman’s underwear up over her pants or skirt. Which sounds sad, actually. Anywho, these Gothic Death Bug Shoes are dark and delightful. Death bug? I don’t know what a death bug is, but they are all death bugs to me, cuz I kill ’em dead. Sure, I scream first. Nothing wrong with that. I get the job done.
Tag: wedges
Shark Attack Spiked Wedges
*Sits down to dinner. Eyes the hot chick across from me. Immediately starts playing footsies and moving my eyebrows.* CHOMP! HOLY HELL! *Screams and puts my bloody stump on the table. Blood shooting everywhere.*
The hot chick smiles and puts both feet on the table, all decked out in their Shark Attack Spiked Wedges, looking proud of herself. She tells me I shouldn’t swim in shark infested waters, but I don’t hear her. I’m passed out from shock and loss of blood.
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Brains Platform Shoes
Hey, look at those shoes. No wonder you’re so stupid. You’ve been standing on your brains all day. *Chuckles to myself loudly* Brains Platform Shoes deliver a roundhouse kick to my head. I fall on the floor.
*Woman stands over me. Hands on hips* Actually, they are decorated with the brains of those who have wronged me. All men, which is why it took so long to cover them.
Crucifix High Heels
Get thee behind me Satan! What the hell does that even mean? Oh, I get it. These Crucifix high heels(Technically they don’t have heels) have crosses on the back, so if Satan is behind you and the size of a dwarf, he’s totally toast. Man, dressing for church used to be so much easier back before they required you to wear crucifix shoes.
Not that I know anything about church. The last time I entered the place, I started burning and hissing and speaking in tongues. That STD just hurt like hell. I was all like, Quit hitting me with that holy water! Then I was all like, Wait! Try it on my pee-pee Padre. Oh, that’s better. So soothing and mentholated. I knew that chick was trouble when- There she is in the first row!
That’s my daughter!
Congratulations. That’s my peen’s worst nightmare. I’m off to see the wizard. And by wizard I mean a pee-pee specialist.
Decapitated Barbie Head Wedge Shoes
Teach that bubble-headed blonde bimbo, Barbie, a thing or two, by letting the air in her head heads hold you upright. Be like Ken and walk all over Barbie. These weird shoes are a staggering $264.99, but sadly are out of stock.
We will just have to work out our aggression toward Barbie by ripping some heads off on our own and stomping all over them.